firstly

i suppose this will only be read by those who know me so i won't waste the time explaining my personality traits or why i'm even creating a blog. if you don't know me, then you should email me and maybe we will find out more about each other. Now, why i'm really here.

this morning at 4 am i woke up to hear the climax of my ex-boyfriend's housemate having sex with a guy i once had a fling with. both of these people have serious issues and make the worst couple... ever. i was taken by serious suprise when she blurted out to him "i love you" and he answered back. they both began to cry. who am i to judge other people's happiness? i can't say if they do love each other, but it's hard to see that being true. what really stayed with me though was the idea of being loved in such an intense way. i could only think, "why not me?" i wanted to be loved completely, even just for the moment. i wanted to be beautiful and needed and safe. but i wasn't. i was alone in the next room wishing i could go back to sleep with the idea that someone needs me. but then i had a dream. and though the dream left me wanting, it filled me up with a hope. i saw the smile of someone who is trying so depreately to make me believe i am as pretty as i think he is. so this face in the dark, the one so fashioned in my mind since i met its wearer, is haunting me. but i don't want it to stop. i cannot look at your face and feel frantic, scared, or alone. when i look at your face, i feel like i'm in the home i never had. so say all you want that you are not magic. i believe you are. so thank you, to the one who is making me beautiful. i hope i see your face again soon.

i am trying to find what it is you see in me