everything will be alright

i can't remember when i stopped believing in santa, the date of the first day i kissed the boy who later took my virginity, the last time i wasn't constantly hungry, the first time i told my best friend she was the only person in the world that really knew me, the first time i held josh's hand, or at what exact moment i began to feel empty. what i can remember is always having lexi by my side, my daddy to support me in everything i do, joshua to provide me with endless conflict and entertainment as well as unconditional love, knowing i was about to give away my innocence to a very powerful presence, spending a summer between two ex boyfriends, and spending junior prom night at emily's pool house, drunk for the second time in my life.

i have seen the evils of men and the terror of darkness in places i called home that were never quite safe for me to be in. i have borne whitness to a circle that is both exclusive and life changing. i have been sick. i have been hurt as well as harmed. i've been struck, and i've hit back. i've been loved, accused, cursed at, spat at, laid, held, believed in, trusted, and a let down. i am my father's daughter, my best friend's other half, the bane of my own existence, a smart student who lacks motivation, an artists, a lover, a shadow from your past, a sister, a writer, and a future maid of honor.

i have been a misstress, a liar, an addict, a cutter, a victim, a bright spot in someone's life, a secret keeper, a hopeless romantic, a RENT fanatic, a junk food lover, a smoker, a survivor, the baby of the family, a dancer, a teacher, and a highschool graduate.

i don't know myself the way i'd like to, some people have known me in ways i regret, some haven't known me nearly enough, others far too well. i am finding self actualization.
i'm a fighter, a singer, a girlfriend, a woman. i am far more than what you think i am, i am me.

everything will be alright