this concludes our broadcast day

i have been blessed with a few very good days this past week. i am blessed with even better friends who, no matter how busy, can somehow find time for a simple word of help. but the familiar tremble in my stomach and the ache in my bones has begun again. the {pink} pills kept the edge at bay and helped me want to stay put, while at the same time sucking all of what makes me who i am out through my open bedtime windows. the kicking is back, that urge to move... or maybe the urge to leave. i see the simple lies in this town, the looks of untrusting others, and all the red red kroovy i ever care to. and it seems somehow i have managed to outstay a welcome. a wlecome in the doorways of old campus buildings, a welcome in the bars and tattoo parlors. lastly a welcome overstayed in the hearts and minds and bricks of the city. and when we put on those songs about leaving... they are more than the music and words, they are my private thoughts. "you don't know me and you don't wear my chains" i would only ever leave in the hopes of finding someone who could.

but this place just isn't bright enough to hold me. this place just isn't alive enough to keep me sane. i need to get up to the city. i need to climb mountains of granite that carve out the sky. i want to see some snow and some sidewalk. a desire that aches harder and faster than the sex i am not having. this whole world is forgetting about places like this until we simply disappear inside of ourselves. i don't want that for me. i'm making music every day. strong heavy notes and snowy chords both soft and apparent. but there's no signal in this town and only a few of it's beautiful people are picking up my sound waves. i write different songs for all of them. but i've got to get to where the waves carry. i've got to go to a place where i can shine.

maybe i'll get there before the broadcast days are over.