giving thanks

i didn't want to be here right now. i didn't plan on coming home to this place where i feel so strange, confused, and alone. and all the while the thing playing in my head is how i fear i will never belong anywhere.

and my fear consumes me.

it's not with my family, it's not back at school, it's not with my boyfriend's family (yet), it's not with my friends, mentors, or enimies. and that frightens me.

then i remember... it's with you. my lover, my protector, my muse.

i've told you my greatest story and how the fear i'm feeling now is nothing like the fear of waking up without you. nothing like the long agonizing silence of days turning over into weeks rolling on into months without your beautiful voice. i'd even listen to you sing and not care that you can't carry a tune. i'm giving thanks though, for the idea that i won't have to miss you. i'm living in my own world with you lying beside me and holding my hand "sweetheart" ringing on into the night in that voice you use when you know that i'm hurting. that fear subsiding as you throw darts at maps and promise to make it all okay.

i'm hanging on to the silence in the air until i hear your voice and feel your arms around me.

i'm giving thanks that no matter the ugly, the way you still love me anyway makes the whole world beautiful.


i love you.
so much.