hungry

so, i'm planning to help with this food drive on halloween, and mr. sean casey has brought to my attention something that really breaks my heart. he says that there are many food drives around thanksgiving, but that people are hungry for more than one week out of the year. this is so very true. honestly it made me want to cry.

recently i have been toying with the idea of joining the peace corps after graduation. the more i think about it the more i don't know how it makes me feel. just like with the food drive, i was perfectly happy knowing that i was helping out, but when the idea arose that this problem is so much bigger than all of us, my immediate reaction was fear. i felt like i needed to run away from it, because it's messy. and let's face it, people don't like messy.

i'm the kind of person who can't bear to see my cat's bowl empty (that's why she's so fat) and the thought of people literally starving just pulls at my heart. it's not just the hungry, it's the poor and homeless and sick. those people who just need a smile or encouragement. the ones who just want a few bucks for a decent sandwich. and it scares the hell out of me. last year at christmas i bought the one tree in the lost that didn't have a top because it had broken off. i felt sorry for a damn tree because i knew no one else would want it and that it would never be pretty unless i took it home and decorated it.

and at the risk of sounding like a crazy person, all these people in need are just like that tree. we need to reach out and do what others won't. at the same time i understand that this is frightening to most people. it's one thing to collect food, it's another to get dirty and go to the streets and help.

that's my issue with the peace corps. i could send money or items. i could call in to the telethons and fund raisers. i could help out. and i could do it from the safety and comfort of home. or i could brave the world and dive right into the mess. that kind of helping isn't for everyone, and one thing in particular makes me wonder if i could take it.

that thing is the fact that any time i think of all the people in need i am overwhelmed to the point that it hurts. because i know i can't fix it all. i can't help everyone who needs it. and who is to say that any one person is more deserving than another? the real problem here is not that i am beaten or consumed by my own compassion or sympathy, but that rather than trying to make a dent in the problem, i just figure i can't do it all, so why do any?

that's a personal problem i am trying to fix. this is not an issue of all or nothing. so remember, that guy on the street may really need that five extra dollars for a bite to eat more than you need it for hair gel or gas. and also keep in mind that anything and everything will help, even if you never leave your house. so donate to your food banks, give to the salvation army, and remember that holidays are important, but need is year round.

happy halloween.

what i really meant was

what i really meant was:

that you deserve so much better. that i'm just frustrated that i've fucked up my own life. that it's never been your fault. that i know you do all you can. that i'm sorry for asking more. that i wish i could just keep my mouth shut.

that i know you didn't lie, and i only said that because i was upset. that i'll be here still and wait when you go off to washington. that i love you more than i have ever thought possible. that you have loved me back and made my life that much more worth living. that i know you meant it when you said the same things.

that i'm sorrier every day for the things i put you through. that i don't mean to take my problems out on you. that i hope you can forgive me one last time.

that every time i think of a life without you in it, i break down and cry. that when we fight like this i can't eat or sleep. i lie down and stare.

that i can't be without you. i just can't.
that i loved when you said that to me.

that some of the sweetest words i've ever known are "i wanna kiss you and knock em down like we used to."

that you were the only thing that kept me safe all those nights in that broken house. that you are the reason i'm alive today. that you are the only thing i could ever hope to have.

that i hope you won't go.

that i love you. and all the things that that means. "sweetheart."

that's what i really meant.

beautiful disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way,
only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

quitting

they say that history repeats itself. if that's so then all i have to look forward to is a string of long empty days. its not that nothing good ever happens, it's just that the bad has become so much more frequent that it drowns out the first.

i'm sorry if it hurts your feelings but im just so tired of being spoon-fed the empty lies and shattered promises that are used simply to make me feel better. we all know no one really intends to keep them.

i think i want to quit life.

were you a token

were you a token of my affections
i would hang you on the shelf of my heart
for safe keeping.

were you the rosary from my window
i would count your prayers
with 10,000 ave marias.

were you the clouded sky of autumn
i would exhale you in longed for smoky reverence
over your delicately frost white ground.

and were you my clothing
i would wear your threaded softness
like the kisses you have placed upon my skin.

your mouth is like rainwater,
and i'm swimming in you.

unobtainable

sometimes i still feel the same old thing. this whole promise is just a girl in love with a boy, curled at his feet. his adoring pet with those sad, hurting eyes, begging to be loved the same way. and sometimes i feel like there's nothing i have left to give, and i'd like to not be the only one putting anything in. i give what i do not have.

and i have sat watching the little red drops fill my bathwater over what i feel i cannot do. and for what i feel you will not.

and all i have ever wanted is for someone to love me the way i have loved you. to hurt and wish and die for me. and to give what they do not have.

so this girl will love this boy, with tears in her heart and pain in her eyes, until one day she cannot love anymore. if only you would save her first.

take your time

soon there wont be any time left.

that old familiar sink is plunging into my bones. usually it waits for colder weather, the kind with heavy coats and red faces. i was hoping to put it off until the fall. i hope you all understand that every day lived is one more we'll never have again. every sick moment when we push our children away, or assume our friends are fine without us. every hug not given, every hand not held, they pile heavy and black over the heads of people like me who never learned to swim in the shadow. and i keep on negotiating with the dead over their hospital music. would you lift my head a little and keep me comfy? the world is teaching us to seize the day by taking every selfish opportunity to do something for ourselves. we should spend our days easing the pain of those around us. we tend to be so goddamn selfish. and maybe this feeling usually lives in the cold because that's the weather where its comfortable. don't forget that every second you decide to not love someone, to be dismissive, to forget the ache, just remember you're killing someone like me.

and it's real slow, honey, painful and real slow.
it's just for show, honey, painful and just for show.
it's too slow, honey, painful and real slow.

"blackbird come the break of dawn... walk outside get in the car
stare at the wheel and fall apart."