what i really meant was

what i really meant was:

that you deserve so much better. that i'm just frustrated that i've fucked up my own life. that it's never been your fault. that i know you do all you can. that i'm sorry for asking more. that i wish i could just keep my mouth shut.

that i know you didn't lie, and i only said that because i was upset. that i'll be here still and wait when you go off to washington. that i love you more than i have ever thought possible. that you have loved me back and made my life that much more worth living. that i know you meant it when you said the same things.

that i'm sorrier every day for the things i put you through. that i don't mean to take my problems out on you. that i hope you can forgive me one last time.

that every time i think of a life without you in it, i break down and cry. that when we fight like this i can't eat or sleep. i lie down and stare.

that i can't be without you. i just can't.
that i loved when you said that to me.

that some of the sweetest words i've ever known are "i wanna kiss you and knock em down like we used to."

that you were the only thing that kept me safe all those nights in that broken house. that you are the reason i'm alive today. that you are the only thing i could ever hope to have.

that i hope you won't go.

that i love you. and all the things that that means. "sweetheart."

that's what i really meant.