the drive to bleed

i felt that dark creature stir in my soul today. like something waking up from a long sleep, and waking up angry. and i'm angry. i'm hurting. and tonight i just don't give a shit anymore. not about how good i've been doing, how much better i am, what you're all going to say, what tomorrow brings, what's on the tv, or when the rain will come. it wasn't an act, i felt better. but just because i'm saying no, doesn't mean i don't have to fight it every day with all i have. but you know what, i feellike quitting tonight. and i'm fucking sorry as hell that i'm letting you down and you know that. i can't be strong tonight, and having been denied my safe methods, i'm starting to want to take it out on myself. some dark ugly place in me is growing and it's making me hurt. and i could make it all go away for a little while with just those thin deep lines over the top and back down around the joint. i could fix the world with the crimson run, thin and shallow then deeper, more lush. and i don't want to die, just do myself some serious harm.

i feel alone. i feel pain. and please if you're my loved one do not think i mean you some kind of disrespect in saying i feel alone. this is not your fault. i know you try and i am grateful for your love, the fault lies in me. i'm detatched and it kills you and for this i am sorry. but please don't give up on me.

so how i can i say this any more bluntly?

i open up my arms with a razor to watch myself bleed and feel like i have control over something. i've been recovering for a month. tonight i'm craving the pain.

i'm angry with myself and my whole fucked up family. i'm lost somewhere in what would make everyone happy. i'm torn between my life and the life i've been promised, the life my family wants for me.

i'm lost.

and for some reason i feel like you all wish you didn't have to be a part of this. like you just don't give a damn. like you won't fucking get up to help me.




as always there are exceptions and you know who you are, you're the reason i put the razor down every night. you're the ones who reach me. thank you.