i don't hate you

for the first time in weeks i doubted myself, and for a split second i was going to run. i was going to run all the way to you, even though i know "you" are the last place i ever need to be. i wonder sometimes if you lie awake and pray that it will all go away. i wonder if we can someday pretend to be the only two people in the world. days like today my heart breaks for the memory of you and i die for the moments i'm sure i will never know again. as much as i hate it, you have a part of me. but i'm afraid of you and all the pain you bring. i want so much to hear you say you love me. time and miles have torn apart who we used to be. but i'd live with the blood just for the moments when you lie next to me, and hold me, and tell me all the secrets of the world. i've never loved like i loved you. all these words will never fix the sickness, but i will never be done with you. i still wear your clothes when i feel alone inside. i still have your pictures on my walls. i still think about you every day and i still miss your voice, your kiss, and your cheekbones. i still do all those things, but do i still keep that part of you alive? the part you never wanted to die?