quitting

they say that history repeats itself. if that's so then all i have to look forward to is a string of long empty days. its not that nothing good ever happens, it's just that the bad has become so much more frequent that it drowns out the first.

i'm sorry if it hurts your feelings but im just so tired of being spoon-fed the empty lies and shattered promises that are used simply to make me feel better. we all know no one really intends to keep them.

i think i want to quit life.

were you a token

were you a token of my affections
i would hang you on the shelf of my heart
for safe keeping.

were you the rosary from my window
i would count your prayers
with 10,000 ave marias.

were you the clouded sky of autumn
i would exhale you in longed for smoky reverence
over your delicately frost white ground.

and were you my clothing
i would wear your threaded softness
like the kisses you have placed upon my skin.

your mouth is like rainwater,
and i'm swimming in you.

unobtainable

sometimes i still feel the same old thing. this whole promise is just a girl in love with a boy, curled at his feet. his adoring pet with those sad, hurting eyes, begging to be loved the same way. and sometimes i feel like there's nothing i have left to give, and i'd like to not be the only one putting anything in. i give what i do not have.

and i have sat watching the little red drops fill my bathwater over what i feel i cannot do. and for what i feel you will not.

and all i have ever wanted is for someone to love me the way i have loved you. to hurt and wish and die for me. and to give what they do not have.

so this girl will love this boy, with tears in her heart and pain in her eyes, until one day she cannot love anymore. if only you would save her first.

take your time

soon there wont be any time left.

that old familiar sink is plunging into my bones. usually it waits for colder weather, the kind with heavy coats and red faces. i was hoping to put it off until the fall. i hope you all understand that every day lived is one more we'll never have again. every sick moment when we push our children away, or assume our friends are fine without us. every hug not given, every hand not held, they pile heavy and black over the heads of people like me who never learned to swim in the shadow. and i keep on negotiating with the dead over their hospital music. would you lift my head a little and keep me comfy? the world is teaching us to seize the day by taking every selfish opportunity to do something for ourselves. we should spend our days easing the pain of those around us. we tend to be so goddamn selfish. and maybe this feeling usually lives in the cold because that's the weather where its comfortable. don't forget that every second you decide to not love someone, to be dismissive, to forget the ache, just remember you're killing someone like me.

and it's real slow, honey, painful and real slow.
it's just for show, honey, painful and just for show.
it's too slow, honey, painful and real slow.

"blackbird come the break of dawn... walk outside get in the car
stare at the wheel and fall apart."

i have to let you go

it's funny how the simplest term can shatter your day.

what were you doing in your free time last night? the time you spent forgetting to do the metro section? couldn't you have done something then? or later, instead of indulging me in your one track mind? see you pretended all night long when, had you just put down the phone, you would have freed up your evening for the real thing today.

you wonder sometimes why you frustrate me so. perhaps it is because of the amount of my life i set aside for you as compared to the amount of me you set aside to do your work.

speaking of, i have to be at the restaurant soon. so "i have to let you go."
see you in the morning, i hope.

i love you