hungry

so, i'm planning to help with this food drive on halloween, and mr. sean casey has brought to my attention something that really breaks my heart. he says that there are many food drives around thanksgiving, but that people are hungry for more than one week out of the year. this is so very true. honestly it made me want to cry.

recently i have been toying with the idea of joining the peace corps after graduation. the more i think about it the more i don't know how it makes me feel. just like with the food drive, i was perfectly happy knowing that i was helping out, but when the idea arose that this problem is so much bigger than all of us, my immediate reaction was fear. i felt like i needed to run away from it, because it's messy. and let's face it, people don't like messy.

i'm the kind of person who can't bear to see my cat's bowl empty (that's why she's so fat) and the thought of people literally starving just pulls at my heart. it's not just the hungry, it's the poor and homeless and sick. those people who just need a smile or encouragement. the ones who just want a few bucks for a decent sandwich. and it scares the hell out of me. last year at christmas i bought the one tree in the lost that didn't have a top because it had broken off. i felt sorry for a damn tree because i knew no one else would want it and that it would never be pretty unless i took it home and decorated it.

and at the risk of sounding like a crazy person, all these people in need are just like that tree. we need to reach out and do what others won't. at the same time i understand that this is frightening to most people. it's one thing to collect food, it's another to get dirty and go to the streets and help.

that's my issue with the peace corps. i could send money or items. i could call in to the telethons and fund raisers. i could help out. and i could do it from the safety and comfort of home. or i could brave the world and dive right into the mess. that kind of helping isn't for everyone, and one thing in particular makes me wonder if i could take it.

that thing is the fact that any time i think of all the people in need i am overwhelmed to the point that it hurts. because i know i can't fix it all. i can't help everyone who needs it. and who is to say that any one person is more deserving than another? the real problem here is not that i am beaten or consumed by my own compassion or sympathy, but that rather than trying to make a dent in the problem, i just figure i can't do it all, so why do any?

that's a personal problem i am trying to fix. this is not an issue of all or nothing. so remember, that guy on the street may really need that five extra dollars for a bite to eat more than you need it for hair gel or gas. and also keep in mind that anything and everything will help, even if you never leave your house. so donate to your food banks, give to the salvation army, and remember that holidays are important, but need is year round.

happy halloween.

what i really meant was

what i really meant was:

that you deserve so much better. that i'm just frustrated that i've fucked up my own life. that it's never been your fault. that i know you do all you can. that i'm sorry for asking more. that i wish i could just keep my mouth shut.

that i know you didn't lie, and i only said that because i was upset. that i'll be here still and wait when you go off to washington. that i love you more than i have ever thought possible. that you have loved me back and made my life that much more worth living. that i know you meant it when you said the same things.

that i'm sorrier every day for the things i put you through. that i don't mean to take my problems out on you. that i hope you can forgive me one last time.

that every time i think of a life without you in it, i break down and cry. that when we fight like this i can't eat or sleep. i lie down and stare.

that i can't be without you. i just can't.
that i loved when you said that to me.

that some of the sweetest words i've ever known are "i wanna kiss you and knock em down like we used to."

that you were the only thing that kept me safe all those nights in that broken house. that you are the reason i'm alive today. that you are the only thing i could ever hope to have.

that i hope you won't go.

that i love you. and all the things that that means. "sweetheart."

that's what i really meant.