"do you mind if i change first?"

i was lying in the bath, head under water. with my eyes open. i watched candles float across the blurry surface. i listened to my heart beat through the water. that strange aquatic noise. and i thought of my life. i miss my mommy.

mama, i need you. i forgive you. and i know you can't come home. but you've left me like a child, not comprehending why you had to go. i don't blame you for what has happened to me. but there are monsters in my closet, and i need you to save me. i am not the pictures, not the paintings, not the beauty of who i once was. who i once could have become. you left her there, that child. she couldn't save herself. but you could not have known. she's grown up afraid. every moment afraid. mama, where are you? couldn't you see the pain in her stride? the way she held herself? my very last moments of glory, all i could do was keep my head up. i am your child. and now forever to be. he's made sure of it. shall i ever grow up? i thought so long, so long. if i had been more, would you have stayed? the breaking point and origin begining of every moment for everyone who has left me since that one. well, if you knew, would you think? could you have saved me from this if you had stayed? but i won't tell you. you won't have to know, just please come home.

so tell me a bedtime story. won't somone tell me their story? maybe then i won't cry myself to sleep.