one fell swoop, calling it out, and a simple thank you

this is so addicting. speaking of, i smoked too much last night. but god bless you for being there anyway. and believe me, love, it's you keeping me sane today. i hate these mornings, i wake up, can't find my car. remembering the night before, the hysteria and down right laughability of certain moments. and these dorm room walls that i waited so eagerly to get back to seem a prison today. and it's so cold, i'm shivering in my sleep. and i am this running current of dripping mortality so fragile just beneath the surface. but all in all i can't complain, this is still better than being home. because when i'm home.... i'm not allowed to feel this way. but i'm actually pretty happy today. there is the ever present need to still be held, but i'm not sure that goes away.

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and if you think you know what's best for me by telling me i should act happy, blow me. so i'm rude sometimes, so i'm sad, so i'm a whore, so i'm attention hungry... i'm sure we all have been there before. (and you know what, i don't regret it) the ones that really love me love me for it anyway. but acting isn't going to help, it will just create the lie. and i won't lie to myself, so i'll act happy when i feel happy, don't damn what i'm writing because you're blinded by your own fearful notion of perception.

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ruari: thanks for a kick-ass party, and always your (good) worry maggie: thanks for a song, a trip, and a hand to hold lexi: thanks for a sunrise scott: what do i say? thank you