lolita

6:45 and it's chilly outside. not cold, just brisk. like fall in waynesboro. i'm mulling it all over in my head. going through every step, walking my memories. my heart is dead set, later to be dissapointed, but i know it's not your fault. today was filled with that certain unease. that rage, the feeling i get when i'm reminded of how broken i really am. what all this has made me. what i have become. i miss you. i want to be near you. because you're more to me than you think. i see in you this beauty, this amazing light in a place that is so dark to me. i sit on the sidelines and ponder how i got so sick in the first place. it all reminds me of how not worth you i can be. and maybe these things that happen are some universal way of telling me to stop fooling myself into thinking i am good. i cannot for the life of me see what there is in me that you still keep around. and in honesty, if i didn't feel alone already i do tonight. simply for the fact that i let myself be dissapointed. it's not your fault. and you need this time, but i need time with you. my world went to hell in the two hours it flashed on the screen and i am dying inside. pretending not to be harmed, to be better than what those people in my past have made me believe. but i'm not. i'm not and i wanted you to see that i am needy and hurting. i want to scream at the stars and blatantly ask God why i have to be so fragile and sick and broken. i just wanted you. i just wanted you to hold me. i just wanted you, and you can't be here. it's not your fault, but i still wanted you. so when you feel better, call. i just want to hold you.