what dying feels like

no man is an island, but it doesn't mean we can't feel that way. there has baan a heaving massive sickness in my heart for too long. a kind of pain even the city lights couldn't wash away. don't we just want to escape? oh and how much i can see it coming. and how much i'm dreading the day. because i know where i'm lying on the bottom of this ocean. dissapointed. by man, by the world, maybe even God. and i'm wondering who hears me screaming out in the night. i'm lost the hope of asking. maybe we all deserve to die. that's all livng is anyway.

but still every face is yours. every smell is the last one you left here. every laugh if one i'm not having. today the coming together of so much, yet the thread to tie it in is missing. the songs i sing, the songs i hear are of you and how to say i love you. and i hope, on the other side of this world, you can hear me.

it's been so long since i heard your voice. i know where my body lies. i know where my heart is going. i once told you you were not welcome there, and now it's standing with the door open, waiting for you to come home.

maybe this is foolish. maybe i'm just a girl. but i've told you for five long years that i'd be waiting. and we have come so far.

the day is dawning when my heart will break again, most likely at your hands. but i will pick it up and put it back together, and love you still with it's ragged beat.

you are all i've ever needed.
you are all i've ever wanted.

i am lost without you.

i'm here. i'm waiting. i'm with you. i miss you. i need you. i want you. i love you.

two months in and now i'm frightened.
tell me that you're not going to go

soon

it's far after one a.m. and i just got in from a long kind of drive. the drive that somehow found me passing your house twice even though i know you're not there. i'm so worn down today. i'm tired from a hellish week and sleepy from nights on the town. mostly though i'm cold. the kind of cold that makes me wish i was driving home to you. to slide into bed beside you. to have your arms waiting for me. to hear your heart beat. i imagine myself slipping under quilts warm with your sleeping and finding myself tucked beside you. i've never felt so safe or alive or in love. i am crazy about you. i'm finding myself so infatuated and in love. no longer alone. and it felt as if i was headed home, headed to what i call home. to you.

soon.

friday night lights

most people would never peg me as a football fan. that's because i'm a different breed of fanatic. i hated highschool, mine in particular, but i loved fridays in the fall. something in the air. i can feel it run like pure current through the marrow of my bones, out through the hair on my neck and arms. we've got a shot this time. tonight, my second homecoming as an alumni, and it was a hell of a night. worth the ride home and then some. that being said, let me further explain.


the air tonight is that perfect kind of mix between gently frosted and scorchingly full of competitive fire. in short, it's a football night. where i come from this isn't a sport, it's a religion and a way of life. God himself watches EBA football. the crushing sound of bodies and shoulderpads colliding with all the forces of hell or heaven and even the archangels rings on even after we've left the field. and tonight when the smoke died and the blood left the air, there stood the mighty Spartans in a sea of battered Red and White, victors of the fray. Hail Alma Mater indeed! It's a banner year for Big Red. Fast on the way to a massive arising that is known to the GISA as Region Championship. May we shower fire over Trinity and bring that deciding game into OUR HOUSE. should we make it that far we will be not only Region Champions but also the Number One ranking team in this great state we call Georgia. And I will be at that State game, and we will make history I swear it.


For all the boys in red tonight, "not every man is worthy to wear the Spartan uniform." You are the few and the proud. You're bloody, you're worn. You are the pride of an entire world tonight. You played the hell out of football. I'll see you all at State.



Go Big Red.

chasing cars

We'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?



snow patrol

a little while longer

when the time runs out, what will i do? when i'm not needed, no longer parts of the computer strewn about the floor, will i die? will the end fall through the clouds? will i still be loved? will i need a rescue when just last week i was a hero? and if so, who will do it?

who will love me if not you?

who will love me?

if not you?

baby baby baby
when all your love is gone
who will save me
from all i'm up against
out in this world?




turn yourself around and come on home

corinthians

Love is

Love is patient: i have waited

Love is kind: i have not harmed

it does not envy: i will try harder

it does not boast: i am not perfect

it is not proud: not of myself; of you

it is not rude: i have tried sweetly

it is not self seeking: this is for you

it is not easily angered: i'll hold my tongue

it keeps no record of wrongs: i have forgiven, i will forget

it does not delight in evil: i hate it when you hurt

it rejoices in the truth: truth is i need/want/miss/am with/love/...have? you

it always protects: i am your super hero

always trusts: i know you will not hurt me

always hopes: i hope you will return

always perseveres: i believe in you and me

Love never fails

God in me malice for murder

i don't feel safe without you here. i don't like not having you around. i don't know what to do when i don't hear your voice. i can't sleep without you telling me goodnight. tell me what to do to bring back the song. you've not gone far because i can feel you. you're not going forever, i can still taste you. i'm not alone, because i can hear you breathing next to me from 300 hundred miles. where's the red lightning? why does my heart skip at the edge of oblivion waiting for nothing but the wind to push it over? maybe it's not that i need you, maybe it's that i love you i want you and i miss everything about you when i don't have you right beside me. maybe i'm here to play the waiting game for blood, listening for your triumphant return. please don't go away so long. the hurt isn't as sweet without you, the stars not so bright, the fall not so cold. without you my life is a movie, silent and filmy with flat colors and cracks in the screen.

i want to call you, hear you speak. i want to keep my promise to give you all your time. what to do if i never hear from you again... as if maybe this time you've died. will you come home to me soon? ease my soul from the lovesick worry? the woman you love is waiting for you. the girl that you fell for is counting the stars. the sky is still falling, waiting in line for the handsome young man that i am in love with...

to come home.

we don't deserve a hero...

slow, fast, can't stop breathing and all the while the world spins around in violent mak-ra-may. i fell off the side of the earth into spiraling afterthought reading your poems among the stars. what if i did something terrible? would you care to try and stop me? would it kill you like the sounds of my eardrums popping with every cracked hip female smile?

we don't believe in living and we don't deserve a hero. in the velvet footfall, would you still want me? what am i become for you? would you hold me in epic funeral? epithaph or the seraphs and blood from the lips of God? it's not that i can't live without you, it's that i don't want to have to.

he doesn't look a thing like Jesus

what if i really am just a sunflower, following you across the sky? what if all i am meant for is simply nothing? what if you burn me up? no, it's not everything i thought it would be; i thought it would be devestating and painfully so.

what if i am just some apparition of love in the shell of the world? what if i've missed my harvest? and who cares if we're not perfect illusions. i'd rather be a dirty, dead shell of a thing worthy of poets' infatuation, than absent of anything truly beautiful.

what if you're the devil and the end of the world and the wolf at the door all in one? it's the thing of fairy tales and bed time stories, plus i'd like to see the end of the world anyway. what if you're the railroad?

and what of the shadow you're casting? will i live glowing in the shade like some silvery moonbeam? will i grow weary and blind from the lack or the brilliance? or worse still will i thirst in the light, parched and dying from the heat of being too close to you?

will i climb the long road out of hell and stand beside you, the constrasted darkness in whose absence your light could not exist? i believe so. will i wax pale with jealousy and sweetness eclipsing the night and covering the world?

because without dark there is no light, without light no darkness. and the deviding line between the two if where we sell our souls. i believe you can't afford me. but if you're willing i'll make a trade. tell me is your soul for sale?

what if we're just dying in each other's arms and watching the stars collide in vehicles of the distant future? what if instead of souls, we steal minds? would you owe me then? would music taste so sweet or hate be so beautiful? would pain still be pretty... if we were young?

if you were...

butcher

i'm done with the slaughter and your spewing a filth. from now on it's a grain of salt or nothing. how did it get this far? i would sooner slit my wrists than be taken in by this and all the while i'm asking "how?" thats what i want to know. i want to know how i came to be butchered, how i came to believe in the lie, how it is that i let it eat me from the inside like some disease of rotting flesh. because thats what you do, you strip the soul and eat the wounded like some crazed rabbid dog and no better than the beast itself. and that's what we do, we go along and fall into a trap cleverly disguised as a fucking wading pool, when it's really a quick-silver hole full of mire and mud. and we stick. most of us won't make it out in a lifetime, but i've got it down to an art, and i don't have to be here anymore.

so the next time you go looking over your shoulder and praying for your ever many sins and wrong doings, know that i'm getting out. i won't be a part of the game anymore. this bloody sickening death that we tend to glamorize, when does it get to the point where we know we're so sick of being victims, so sick of being weak, so sick of being tragic...

you're a killer, and i don't have to die anymore.

so as you lay me down to sleep tonight, remember what you know, where you've been, and how much it's killing you to know it still and live in it. i pray you know. i pray you know. I PRAY YOU KNOW.

and YOU can get out too.