let her sing, if it eases all her pain

my stomach churns in the early morning sunshine. a brisk biting monday morning. it's gray and chill, the sparkler stars are still fading. i'm doing all i can to get my mind together. she's with me, comforting and holding me. softly whispering affirmation that it's all going to be okay. but there is a tremble in my being so alone and doubting that nothing seems to reach me. i'm not strong, i'm a scared little girl. it may even have been easier alone. slow and purposeful, washing away my sins. my heart is clean. reunion and out into the world. songs play low and we shuffle through the world. she gives a knowing glance in my direction as we walk, she knows i'm nervous. she stayed near me all night long, through the anticipation of fear. she takes my hand. "you can cry if you want to. it's all going to be okay." the air is warm and the hearts there are full of compassion. they give me a nod, and a pat on the head, and send me on my way. back out into the cold and there is a curious reminder of my being waiting just beyond the buildings. cruel suspicion and shame. the cure for my disease. we stay in, curled up and warm. the warm salt drip from my face falls on silent covers. i'm aching for peace. screaming for it. praying some release. i sleep. the sickness wells. i fold into myself and stay warm. try to keep some food down. face my world in sleepy neglect. with my eyes, i sing. something in me died today. it was a peculiar loneliness, the death of possibility. and you cannot undersatnd it until you've been there yourself. and i feel isolated in this respect. stronger now than i was. i canot put it into words, it simply is an isolating moment. but for those at my side, you watched it happen to me.