and knock em down like we used to

i'm trying to understand what it is about you that is sometimes so hard for me to shake. because i hate it, and i hate myslef for it, but i still want you sometimes. i still want to hold you near me and to kiss those perfect cheek bones. i still sometimes daydream about your skin and how well you kissed me, all those long long nights of endless stupid questions and word games, the only point was to give away another secret about yourself. and still, my most unanswered question, the hardest to wrap my mind around, is why i still have flashes of you being the one for me. after all this hell, after all the shame and maliciousness, and the never ending degradation of my heart, why after all of this do i still have the feeling that i "just know" you'll come around? because i don't want you to, but i really really want you to. and that old familiar song came through today, i thought of the wind and the damp spring air of south georgia. the interstate stretch from your house to valdosta to the stadium, duck pond and back. and you looked at me with the wind flashing black strands in your face, the moon roof open... "i wanna kiss you" i wanted to kiss you too. we flew at the speed of sound into the night, and into a journey that would end nearly 5 years later. and some days it still burns and stings and pulls at my mind and makes me ache and cry for what i used to feel. what i still feel from day to day. you know everything about me, somethings i've never even told myself. you own a part of me. you forever will. you will carry some sway over some small section of my heart. you've broken my entire being twice now. i've been so terrified. im afraid i'll love you again. and some part of me keeps whispering that it won't be a bad thing if i do. and you can't hurt me any more than you have, just multiple times. and though i never want to go there again, tonight most of me would live it all over and die in the wreckage.

so tonight, and just tonight... i'm in love with you