take care of me

"i remember waking up with you,

the days doing nothing

you ment more to me then than i think you ever knew.

but you were gonna be a doctor,

movie star, a poet, and a nobel seminar

i hope the world never tore that out of you"

i miss you

goddamn lonely love

oh and i want to be everything

oh and i want you to love me

oh and i'd make you so happy

oh and i'd give you everything

oh and i'd love you

oh and i wish you would love me

oh won't you please say you'll want me

oh and i promise to show you everything

fiasco

don't you miss those dirty looks? don't you think about it? don't you daydream about the way my heart beats? don't you wish you were looking at me? don't you remember the feeling?

and the build, the sound, the sweat, the fury. the air on fire. don't you miss every thing about the way? don't tell me you don't think about it. don't tell me you wouldn't love to feel it. don't you miss me? don't you want me?

yeah...

you do. ;-)

panic in the summer

i can't even come home without hating myself.

i miss him.

and i am terrified i may see him.

and i love you,

but you seem to forget

the little things

mean the world to me.

i struggle with a sickness all my own

broken glass,

broken souls from the night before. who's to say we aren't dying?

and i'm crying for the first time in days, that familiar feeling never fades when it becoms second nature to let it bleed.

i hate my addictions, and i hate this heart, so on my sleeve as to kill me if i ever get too close. and what i do doesn't make me beautiful. i'm here in this place, knowing what it is i am, what it is i must be to.....

i would have this world swallow me in flame, i would have my journey in bookstores, i would have myself not love for fear of all that moment brings.

but i do love. and i do love you.

but this world's a cruel one. i've always known.

and it's just enough to make me lose my faith in _ _ _ _.

smitten

:)

i think i'm in love

a most beautiful ruby red

i couldn't sleep last night. i stayed up to the tune of the darkness and a new house. restless with the thought... i can't sit still at the idea. five out of ten in a hot bath and stepping out into a dream. it's not usually like me to not tell you things. but this one's a secret i'm only keeping for one single moment in the time i am yet to spend pouring out my heart. and only you will hear it.

so i have something to tell you...

above all the things i've told you...

carving away the sweet rush of air all foggy and breathless. it's perfect.






you are the poet's dream...
and i'm the poet.
and im the dreamer of dreams...

insomnia

face up in inky nightmares of so darkened a life, i spend sweet hours weeping gingerly from the corners of my eyes. suffering here in a mad flame of the chaos around me, but we keep living. living past hope. past the thought of a promise. past phone calls, past lovers, past midnights of silence and souls as loud as the rocks around us. alone, slowly inviting the dripping cold of voices outside our minds. if only i were sharing such a bed with someone. if only something...

but we all know our places. those of us who sit and wait like some loyalty-sick dog at the heels of our owners begging for some sharp scrap of attention, or in the least, notice of being alive. we crave that pain of just being real to something. but i'm your imagination, far and away, and fading with every midnight that goes by without them caring. fuck it all because i'm only being selfish like you wanted me to be.

and it's still not home to me. but i don't know what that feels like anymore, and the only comfort i seemed to take was in the form of something beautiful that, as soon as i was out the door, dissapeared into the dirt.

clean my wounds and bury six feet deep. come like a flood to the never ending rescue. i used to be able to stand up alone, but it's knocking the crutches out from under me. so why dont you please pay me a little attention, baby. just a little attention baby.




or as a song would sing it


i'm starved for your attention...

baby?

lyrics

ran across this tiny book of 40's lyric poetry that really has nothing to do with anything. it wasn't the content but the feelings each word evoked that made me want to share...

IV(or a long day's journey into night)

between the mighty legs of Death

we play the schoolboy pranks of breath;

scrawl challenge on his sodden boots,

the while he coils his cypress roots.

III (or shy and figured out)

Psycho-analyzed i stand

and meditate your little hand;

your lost, evasive eyes that seem

to lean upon me while they scheme;

and thus contemplative, i know

why i adore and need you so: ---

IX (or telling you you're beautiful)

i wish my mind would let me take

you as you are for your own sake

a trifle less i might adore

but then i should enjoy you more

but imagination will

change and transfigure you until

i never see you, but it seems

some glory of you stayed in dreams

sometimes i think the only thing

that can the lasting rapture bring

is not to see you but to stay

in love with you and far away

this is the kind of distant bliss

that Dante got from Beatrice

a woman singing in the trees

a name, an epic, to the breeze

and men and women all will prove

this cruel arson against love

that he burns all else away

in the beloved but the clay

XII (or the seeking and not finding of affectionate attention)

i shal sing a song to you

fair a song as any

perfect as a drop of dew

rare among the many

eager dancing words will do

their melodious duty

make a lucent mirror, true

to your shining beauty

i shall coin your golden hair

for a stanza's treasure

tame your wild and wayward air

to my love-sick measure

i shall lift my song and sing

with the voice of doom

the utter loneliness you bring

into this little room

there's no place like home....

unless you don't have one.

the last few days have taken a heavy toll on me. between the nightmares, the stories, and the forced and unwilling confessions of my soul, it's no wonder my next thoughts are of dropping a working blowdryer into my bath water. for shame. i feel out of sight is so terribly out of mind when i'm the one who's not around. i've lost so much in so short of a time and i keep thinking, the last thing i had of my own was the knowledge of evil. but even that has found its way to the surface.

did i ever make you happy? do you ever stop and think about missing me? and all this time i'm lying in an ocean of death and you've stopped believing in me. but hey, we can't all be the people we used to be. the good souls with the loving hearts who have the best thing in the world for them but abuse it to the brink of health loss.


.............


and all i want now is to bare my soul to you...

landslide

typical

faceless, crowded, vapid, nothing. generic, typical. plain. just like everyone else. for all the scratching and climbing, it's going nowhere. where are you tonight? floating off on some star in the strawberry twilight? we are the little people. will you look back and see me? and we're all missing something. something that makes us beautiful. high and dry and thirsty. when was the last time you felt love in someone's touch? when was the last time you made love with intensity? when was the last time you looked at someone like me and saw something beautiful? i'm twitching with the sudden downfall. we are epic slow motion and powerful. and i could be what you need too. but who doesn't just want to be special? i know i do...

burning bridges

we lit it up. let it burn into the night. i watched the fire eat away a past from hell. we listened. we waited, poised on the edge of the beautiful oblivion. i felt equal, maybe even special. and again i hear from the soul of my angel and protector "it'll all be okay." i wept to the sounds of falling off the earth. and i'm done thanking you, becuase you know what you have done for me, after all, you make the choice to do so. know that i appreciate you and all you've done.

now the last sick attachments to demons and devils are retreating from my heart, opening new cuts as they go, but they are much more shallow and will heal without the scars of past assaults. i saw your face go up in smoke and i was devilish with sick joy and bleeding rage. you were dead to me the day.

and i will see the past fall away and die, i will stand on the edge of the world to see you burn.



"won't you come and help me with these cuts of mine? i disconnected my heart, and cut myself on the wires..."