somewhere only we know

i saw a field of sunflowers today. crisp enough to almost be real, they did not sway or bend, only stood pixilated on the computer screen. this place is freezing and it stays that way, til we start to drink. each one hiding is some secret kind of hell. mine is full of computer sunflowers that i am unable to touch or smell. the floor is covered with shards of glass. the shower has walls of razorblades to always remind me of what real hate can be. we seem to not know or care what is killing us. but it's days like today when i really don't like people. i scrape up my heart from the sidewalks and keep moving in some slow churning circle leading to the slaughter. we roam, sullen zombies from bars and parties and mix the feelings of days and nights and drugs and love. down the sidewalks of pleople we hate and don't know or love for no reason. we're all sick and dirty, falling apart in the body and mind from the booze and the smoke and the ugliness. there are no sunflowers in this town.

this place is stale and stagnant. this town is killing us all.

empires

We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams.
World-losers and world-forsakers,
Upon whom the pale moon gleams;
Yet we are the movers and shakers,
Of the world forever, it seems.

With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song's measure
Can trample an empire down.

We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with our mirth;
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.

-- Arthur O'Shaughnessy

fear and loathing

so with the arrival of ru's electric back at his home, everything is in full swing back at the "lounge." and what sweet sweet music we all make. sitting around in a smoke filled circle, letting the wave of sound wash over us. it breaks and bends and calms the soul. the recreation helps, but the music kills and send your soul shooting for the stars. sweet toxic melodies in a muggy summer night. the twilight sinks in and we are all just "boats on the ocean" as you and the song like to say. and i feel safe around this group of friends. the music lovers, the music makers. some unexpected lullaby to a very weary soul. striking the strings and letting it go.

it's a stark contrast to the blur of my homelife. mounting tension and growing discomfort and restraint all built on top of the shaky foundation of swirling nights all blurred together and confused. it's a lot like the razor blades in my bathroom drawer, bitingly sharp and dangerous to touch.

and we're longing for that wave of music, crashing over our heads, and making the sounds of the world just right.

happy christmas

how familiar it really seems...



boy: i could've been someone

girl: so could anyone. you took my dreams, when i first found you

boy: i kept them with me babe, i put them with my own. can't make it all alone...
i built my dreams around you.


-----------


are you learning to play the game after all?
because you're changing the rules, and i like it.
but just this once, could you let me win?

we're missing you

i am truly blessed with having amazing friends. i must say.

ruari, thank you so much. you really didn't have to do that but the thought you no doubt put into it is so encouraging. i needed this kind of little pick me up. you always seem to know what to say (or rather what song to play) to help me feel okay again. you are so kind and amazingly generous. thank you for sticking around to help me, when others were walking out. you promised you'd help me if you could, well you have and i thank you. even for something a simple as a mix cd. you did good, hun. you did good.

you are in so many ways a teacher and protector... but most of all, and above everything else, you are a dear and wonderful friend.

don't let anything get to you, remember there are people here that love you.

i am one of them.

thank you, dear.

_ _ _ _ _

i have had the fourtune of having an amazing and beautiful friend like you around. i know you're busy and you have a lot to do. i know i'm crazy and it gets a bit tedious. but i thank you for the simple ways you've been showing your concern. the texts, the calls, the hugs, the drags of your cigarettes. i guess what i want to say is, i know you can't be right here to hold my hand in the dark, but i know you're not far behind keeping watch over me and trying to light my road.

again, i say thank you, as i have so many times before. you deserve the thanks.

and one day i hope i return the favor.

i love you.

"don't make plans"

believe me.... whatever it is you have in mind, I'M THERE!

crystal method

it wasn't at all what you're thinking, but a mix of everything you feared it would be. i'm hoping for a little spark in your eye. some sign that it hasn't killed you, because i'm dying here. it's all starting over here, and sometimes i think you hurt as much as i do when you see through the key holes and cracks in the door that my world is still falling apart. people will promise you everything, but that's not what i need. what i need is to hear that i can stop hurting. to believe that you care enough to show it. i'm tired of this world. and i'm losing feeling, not for lack of trying because i know all of you are dying right beside me... wanting to see it end. but i just keep feeling empty. and every day, one more who swore they never wold, never could, ever leave me... every day one more goes missing.

all the way out

standing at the edge of the gathering waves, storms brewing and churning out on the ocean, i could have walked straight into the water and never come home. have you ever had the notion to just be alone in all directions for millions of miles with nothing but the wind for company?

picture yourself in the middle of the ocean, a million miles from nowhere and you're alone.

i want to die in peace, but i will settle for pieces. and standing at the mouth of that ocean, i didn't ever want to come home. some little part of me went away, it went missing. it's out there on the ocean and i want to die alone with it in my arms.





i'm frantic...

hear you me

on sleepless

roads

the sleepless

go




may angels lead you in

buy me

for sale: just another generic girl

davey bunny