"i heard from someone you're still pretty"

the smoke stack in porter spews out blackness into the air like some kind of holocaustic crematorium, last week it snowed and now two days from december it feels like mid-september... i don't know what the hell is wrong with this weather. it's like your affection, waxed fuller than the moon and then disappearing, coming on in waves. i'm finding myself quietly amused with the short comings of a very perticular kind of vile and unlikeable soul who, for all intensive and non-bodily functions, is utterly blind to the true concept of a heart. i know now that i'm not as weak as you (or i) care to think.

and i know how you like to talk a big game... but you're not too good at playing it.

in fact i think i got you beat.

and by the way... i am very happy here with my complications. because i love him.

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the playlist and for whom

1.guster- medicine for maggie
2.the spill canvas- self conclusion for the suicidal
3.the used- all that i've got for the "first"
4.something corporate- konstantine for why i go back
5.my chemical romance- black parade for those i've lost
6.aarctika- aura lee for joshua
7.iron and wine- the trapeze swinger for the one's i've left behind
8.matthew good- near fantastica for me

red letter day

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams

And you tell me that its over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless
and im naked
you gotta get out
you cant stand to see me shakin
no
could u let me go?
i didnt think so

and you dont wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interuption to the past
and you dont wanna look much closer
cause youre afriad to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had
crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that your alone oh
and im sleeping in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and i had these dreams in them i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that I could take you there
but damnit you're so young
well i dont think i care
and if i hurt you
then im sorry
please dont think that this was easy

and then you bring me home
cause we both know what its like to be alone oh
and im dreaming in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesnt she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinkin
we've been drinkin and it doesnt get me anywhere

my konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do was touch her long blond hair
and ive been thinkin
but it hurts me thinking
that these nights when we were drinking
no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell confusion with a 'K'
and i can like it
its to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
its to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
im not your star
isnt that what you said
what you thought this song ment

and if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
its 11:11
now you wanna talk
its not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
my konstantine
they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no,no,no, no, no, no, no, no

this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
ya know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby you could keep me up in bed
my konstanine

you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did u know i missed you
i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
i know you miss me in your living room
cause these nights i think
maybe that i miss you in my living room
but we dont have much room
i said does anybody need that room
because we all need a little more room
to live

my konstantine...

konstantine- something corporate
------------------------

this is what it feels like. and this is why i can go back.

giving thanks

i didn't want to be here right now. i didn't plan on coming home to this place where i feel so strange, confused, and alone. and all the while the thing playing in my head is how i fear i will never belong anywhere.

and my fear consumes me.

it's not with my family, it's not back at school, it's not with my boyfriend's family (yet), it's not with my friends, mentors, or enimies. and that frightens me.

then i remember... it's with you. my lover, my protector, my muse.

i've told you my greatest story and how the fear i'm feeling now is nothing like the fear of waking up without you. nothing like the long agonizing silence of days turning over into weeks rolling on into months without your beautiful voice. i'd even listen to you sing and not care that you can't carry a tune. i'm giving thanks though, for the idea that i won't have to miss you. i'm living in my own world with you lying beside me and holding my hand "sweetheart" ringing on into the night in that voice you use when you know that i'm hurting. that fear subsiding as you throw darts at maps and promise to make it all okay.

i'm hanging on to the silence in the air until i hear your voice and feel your arms around me.

i'm giving thanks that no matter the ugly, the way you still love me anyway makes the whole world beautiful.


i love you.
so much.

something you don't know

there is something about it all that makes me feel meaningless. i despise it. and the more the days go by the more i see through all this bullshit. it's not true or real. and this code is wearing very thin. i find the need to tell you a secret: it's not all too impressive. grain of salt, and that is all. and that is something we all could learn... something i have learned. and all the while i'm seeing it go down in flame and loving the sick and dirty demise.

it's coming for you. and you'll get yours, i promise.

a letter to my father

dear daddy,

thank you for the money, i'll try not to waste it this time. thank you for the christmas presents and every birthday. that you for the father-daughter dances, my prom, spring formals, cotillion, and highschool graduation. that you for the plays, recitals, and public evets. that you for all the valentine's flowers and for every year of school you've paid for. Thank you for two tattoos, and maybe someday more. Thank you for lending me the truck to carry things, the house for movie nights, and money for dinner countless times. Thank you for not hating my boyfriends. Thank you for more concert tickets than i should ever have gotten. Thank you for 2 am phone calls about thiking i'm fat, getting dumped, or general anxiety about life. Thank you for letting me DD sometimes. Thank you for football games, and teaching me to cook chicken. Thank you for not hating my mother. Thank you for letting me keep the piano and saying i could paint my room even if i haven't done it yet. Thank you for family trips in Savannah and for letting me play putt putt on a real golf course. Thanks for the letter my second semester and for not being mad when i told you what happened. Thank you for not dating Lexi's mom. thank you for taking me fishing, teaching me to ride a bike, letting me trick-or-treat, and not getting too upset when i colored on the wall and signed my sister's name to it. but mostly, thank you for being proud of me.

i love you.

your little girl

appology

put simply...


it haunts me. i'm sorry.

brighton beach

i want to know why you weep.

did you weep because you knew what you would have to do to me?
did you weep because you saw it coming?
did you weep because you'd break a heart that loved you for so long?
did you cry for knowing that once more you would watch something inside of me die?
did you cry because you knew you'd have to?
did you weep for the the tears i couldn't cry at the darkening of the doorway to my soul for the third time?
did you weep because you knew i'd still love you?

do you weep becuase you know that i still love you?

i want to know why you would cry in my arms? was it because you were in love? was it because you'd kill the lover? was it because somehow i made you believe i would save you?

because i would have.

i want to know why you kissed me in the car, in the dark, when that song was playing and you just wanted to go home. i want to know why you can't come home to a heart that wants you to be happy.

can you tell me how you feel, alone and away dreaming of ex-lovers with pregnant bellies and summers in parking lots with needy virgins? can you tell me that you feel the way you did in England when i broke the silence of the world? I would have come to you then.

can you come home today and hold my hand and tell me that you still love me? can you tell me it wasn't my fault? can you come around in your honesty and confess what it is that we did to make this world so holy?

can you tell me anything?
can you say you needed me?
can you still promise that i'm not ugly?

can you tell me that you love(d) me?