once more into the breech

i struggle with falling into my same old habits. as time has gone by, i've begun to realize that you were the addiction all along. not the bleeding, not the eating disorders, not the attention. i was addicted to you. and now the drug is in front of my face, can i approach it differently? you have to understand that i will be apprehensive at first. can i handle it, be involved in it, and not let it take me over? in actuality i'd like to use you casually. i'd love to slip in close to you and feel your warm soft belly, and not worry about if tomorrow will get here. i'd like to keep my head above your waters, but i've never been a strong swimmer. i don't need your help to sink, i can do that on my own, but the rocks tied around my ankles will make the surface a fair challenge. i guess it just means i'll need to be stronger.

you see, i feel differently. like i haven't been sick for days. like being away was a cure for the illness. like the stars and childish dreams have faded from my disillusioned mind. and some reality of the beauty and strength has settled in. i know now, it would have destroyed me. i would have let your waves take me under and called it "tragic" or "poetic", these are things i don't have to be. and for as ready as i am, i wonder if some of who i has died out with the scars on my arms. you are one in a line of sicknesses i am no longer defined by. but it doesn't mean i can't live with them. so, here i march back into the fire, this time armed to the teeth with knowing that i may be consumed, but i will make it out if i choose to.