war is over...

christmas eve. moments from christmas day. there will be no visits from santa, no gifts under my tree int he morning. my family opens gifts on christmas eve. no problem. or it wasn't when i got maybe 2 gifts and the rest on christmas morn with the cookie and milk missing and the lingering hope that there was still magic in the world. it started last year. my family gave in on the charade and no longer put forth the effort of santa. they gave up on magic. i'm starting to think that's what happens when you grow up. i look at these people. we're happy. but we're not happy. we just don't know the difference. or they don't. this has been a hard christmas. my mother hasn't benn home in 2 years. in this time of joy, love, and togetherness, i have felt alone. i have felt cold, hurt, tired, and sad. but worst of all, i've felt like a burden. it sucks that this wasn't a great holiday, but i'm terrified i've ruined it for everyone else. but i'd have to give myself a lot of credit if that were true, so i doubt i have. to be honest, i'm getting the feeling that people have stopped trying. i worry that people will stop trying to reach out to me. it's not that i'm rejecting or not getting better, it's just that i'm going slowly. so please whoever's out there, don't give up on me too. i'm worth it, i know i am, so please believe me, stay. since today is christmas, i think we should all get a wish. my wish is to be wanted. that's all i've ever wanted for any gift. the feeling that somone wants me. maybe i'm selfish. maybe i'm just hurting. maybe this is a wish i'm not supposed to ask for. but i'm asking. i don't know how simple, extreme, or meaningful your wishes are today, but i hope they all come true for you. so to all of those i love, merry christmas.