outstairs

i'll be coming to you now, in pops and waves. in your dreams of the ocean. i will silently fall around the sand. your voice today quieted my fears and in some simple little way, this is me saying thank you. i hope you're taking me with you somewhere in your head, remembering me, missing me.

i'm still asking you to tell me everything. and i hope you're still planning to.

my blood is not on your hands.

and my wounds are begining to heal.

...for _ _ _.

no goodbye suicide

where the sky ends

above the ant farm of the earth
where the clouds are distant alien cities
or oceans at the top of the world,
how meaningless it all seems now,
as you fly over your own future.

where the sky ends,
the soul begins
in some vast desolate technicolor dreamland.
peace, redemption, and
- if there is such a thing as-
heaven.
we'll find it here

uwhere the sky ends

you can watch the world burn below you
a million different hues
and figure over flat nothingness
up here where the earth is not round

why do heroes and lovers
want to fly?
to leave a trail of blood
from broken hearts across the clouds?
to sweep the dying up
into the massive arms of the atmosphere?

to quiet the madness of being lonely.
being needed.
even the heroes fall
from where the sky ends.

and in this place,
it seems so strange to me.

up where the sky ends,
where my soul begins
look to the clouds to find me,
i've come back
from where you want to be.

paula

i want to be like that girl in the song tonight. i want to be watched over, guarded quietly. i want that security and safety that i have so rarely felt in these last few years. to let this little body, so ready to collapse, take that break in a place where i find comfort. i want silent notions that "i'll be here when you wake up." i want to know that even for just tonight, it's all okay. i want to be that girl in the song. i want so desperately so very badly so overwhelmingly to be taken care of. i want to know that i'll be loved in the morning. i want to lay my head down tonight and not be tense and not feel hurt. i want to lay my head down and feel like i'm not alone. i want someone to take the hurt away, take the dirty things and ease an aching soul. because i feel afraid. i want to be looked after tonight, quietly and carefully and "silently, not to disturb"

i want to be paula

girl

i keep stopping every now and again to thinkabout the person i see when you'e around, when you call me up, when i'm reading your words on the screen, and i don't like tha person anymore. i don't like this girl who somehow became selfish and supeficial. and whats more, she used to have principles against being fake, self-centered, and narcisistic. and i wonder, what happened to the girl who once had a mind of her own, and actual thoughts buzzing about in her brain? when i see you now i see the epitome of part of the crowd. decked up in your costumes and feathers to look like the rest of the world. i remember a time when you were better than them. better than this. better than who you've become. i don't know this girl anymore, and it pains me to see you become everything i always hoped you wouldn't. and with each passing meeting, i know you a little bit less. so soon, you will no longer be that girl who is my friend. you will just be... a girl.

questions

where am i going?

how will i get there?

will i meet someone like me?

is that really over?

did you think about me today?

did he?

what's it about?

will you be around for awhile?

can i trust the world?

is it going to be okay?

am i going to make it?

do you _ _ _ _ me?

desolation angels

12th chorus

nothing special

i'm wearing your shirt to bed tonight, wrapped around this cold little body as my soul is still out wandering in the west wisconsin hills finding a place to call home. a beautiful sloping terrain that gently rolls out across america. i miss you. and i wish you were here to see this. i wish you could take me in your arms and see the wide open sunset. i want you to see christmas trees and eagles both growing wild on the roadside. i want you here to comfort the sting of feeling so generic. you can only hear so many times that you're not special before you believe it. in three short days i have come to believe that, not only am i nothing to be impressed with, nothing at all to shout about or be proud of, i'm also nothing much to look at along the way. and i miss being home, where i'm lovely and special. i miss being with you where, even if i'm nothing, you and your love won't ever let me feel that way. because apparently when i'm up here with _ _ _ _ i'm just another faceless nameless body wrapped in nothing special.

i miss your hand in mine, making my whole world right.

through the door i hear her crying

the great world snake. watched the highways writhe and join, twist and slither though the city, waxing and waning, growing thin and fat. all through the islands of corporate america as nightfall closed in around me. the interstates around atlanta never seem to lose their wonder no matter how far, fast, or often i travel them. i watched the headlights coming at me like endless eyes. the roadways some breathing creature with great long arms, splayed across the universe, a thuroughfair for the passengers of life and her mysteries. the little child in me died a little out on the unmerciful sidewalks tonight. she should be out there running and singing and making this world her own, but she's in the back seat of some weary travel-torn vessel making it's way into the darkness of the city. some empty stocking suitcase on wheels. part of my soul is tempted to find her. it's the same part of me that can't sit still, the same part of me that wants a one way ticket to somewhere else, and i'd find her and drag her along if i thought it would do either of us any good. and i wish i were somewhere in atlanta. down in the streets of the beautiful city. finding the part of me i've lost. somewhere up under a street lamp with all of me spilling into the air and feeling at peace. like the day we all walked the streets in the bitter cold, loving the moments of wreckless freedom and truly having not a care to be concerned with. making love to the music of the mid-town, down-town, little five point porno shops and record stores with that drive by truckers poster i still regret not buying. and all of today, and every small journey, and the yesterdays turning into tomorrow, it would all stand still and i may find that peace. because tonight my heart is hurtning. tonight i'm slowly dying, giving in to the neon and fade that will be under my wings come the morning. when the plane will touch down, i will find myself back here, in this modern day oz-emerald city in just a week's time. and i will go into the city.


and it's into the light's i'll be going,
even if it must be alone.
into the dark city lights i'll be going,
and i may never make it back home.

the drive to bleed

i felt that dark creature stir in my soul today. like something waking up from a long sleep, and waking up angry. and i'm angry. i'm hurting. and tonight i just don't give a shit anymore. not about how good i've been doing, how much better i am, what you're all going to say, what tomorrow brings, what's on the tv, or when the rain will come. it wasn't an act, i felt better. but just because i'm saying no, doesn't mean i don't have to fight it every day with all i have. but you know what, i feellike quitting tonight. and i'm fucking sorry as hell that i'm letting you down and you know that. i can't be strong tonight, and having been denied my safe methods, i'm starting to want to take it out on myself. some dark ugly place in me is growing and it's making me hurt. and i could make it all go away for a little while with just those thin deep lines over the top and back down around the joint. i could fix the world with the crimson run, thin and shallow then deeper, more lush. and i don't want to die, just do myself some serious harm.

i feel alone. i feel pain. and please if you're my loved one do not think i mean you some kind of disrespect in saying i feel alone. this is not your fault. i know you try and i am grateful for your love, the fault lies in me. i'm detatched and it kills you and for this i am sorry. but please don't give up on me.

so how i can i say this any more bluntly?

i open up my arms with a razor to watch myself bleed and feel like i have control over something. i've been recovering for a month. tonight i'm craving the pain.

i'm angry with myself and my whole fucked up family. i'm lost somewhere in what would make everyone happy. i'm torn between my life and the life i've been promised, the life my family wants for me.

i'm lost.

and for some reason i feel like you all wish you didn't have to be a part of this. like you just don't give a damn. like you won't fucking get up to help me.




as always there are exceptions and you know who you are, you're the reason i put the razor down every night. you're the ones who reach me. thank you.

the time is now

a companion

tiny little ball of black fluff, soft and warm and cute. little lop ears and sweet eyes in a sweet face. little bitty bunny. he likes to keep me up at night by slidding his chew blocks into the wire of his cage. he runs around the room kicking at the air, but soon he'll hop up in my lap and stretch out his little bunny legs. unconditional love simply becuase i hand feed him and clean his cage. if only life were all this simple. tiny little heart beating, i can feel it in my hands, something sweet to cuddle when people aren't about. i'm a little less alone in the house now. isn't it amazing what pets can do for people?

tiny little ball of black fluff. i call him davey :)

red river valley

i'm dissapointed in you. you somehow manged to turn a group outing into something about you. we bent to your whims, and you were very selfish. it doesn't bother me so much but i think you owe them an appology. i'm sure you don't see it that way. you're a beautiful girl, but on the inside you're getting ugly, like the people you hang around. you aren't cute when you act like this. you're selfish and childish and you're acting like a bitch. just likt those people you hang around. and somehow i'm wondering when the whole fucking world became about you.

as long as you get what you want you're happy. at the exspense of those who do what we can for you. and you've become a terrible liar and and chore to be around. if you want sweetness and compassion, you've come to the wong place in me, because you see you've crossed a line. i don't tollerate selfish people.

and years from know when you look at days like this you'll realize that i knew it all along. you're jealous. because i'm getting better, because i'm still wiser, and i'll always be older and you know that i'm right when i say what i do. go on about your life thinking you'll one day have it. i already do. look back at how pissed off you were that i was living without regard to what you tried to tie me to. i'm not going to take your shit anymore, and i'm sorry if it wrecks your grasp or concept of the power you have over life.

go on and live it. i imagine yours is very sad indeed.

sidearm

just a little update to let you know:

ru, i'm starting that painting this week i think

everyone else:

i'm home for three days

i'm naked right now ;-)

i'm writing a song.

broken wing

she loved him like he was
the last man on earth
gave him everything she ever had
he'd break her spirit down
then come lovin up to her
give a little, then take it back

she'd tell him about her dreams
and he'd just shoot em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"you're crazy for believeing
you'll ever leave the ground,"
he said "only angels know how to fly

and with a broken wing
she still sings
she keeps an eye on the sky
with a broken wing
se carries her dreams
man you oight to see her fly

one sunday morning
she didn't go to church
he wondered why she didn't leave
he went up to the bedroom
found a note by the window
with the curtains blowin in the breeze

and with a broken wing
she still sings
she keeps an eye on the sky
with a broken wing
she carries her dreams
man you ought to see her fly

with a broken wing
she carries her dreams
man you ought to see her fly

the sound and the fury

1. the kill - 30 seconds to mars
2. round here - couting crows
3. hallelujah - rufus wainright
4. sweet talk - dear and the headlights
5. it's getting easy - dear and the headlights
6. wounded - third eye blind
7. existentialism on prom night - straylight run
8. don't wait - dashboard confessional (this one's not going anywhere)


i've been feeling weak and vulnerable. but i'm letting it out in the music.

maria came from nashville with a suitcase in her hand

i'm calling to you from the mountains. i'm calling to you from nashville. i miss you so much today that it almost breaks my heart and i'm wondering what you're doing. i'm wondering if you are in good company or if you are alone. i'm wondering if you've thought about me today more than just in passing and if you are dying to see me as much as i am dying to see you. i wish i could feel you touch my face. i'm dying to hear your voice. something about you not being here makes me desperate to get to you again. to feel you hug me and see you smile. to know that seing me is worth the trouble to you. you make me feel special. i chased fire flies last night and they all looked like the light from your face to me. they reminded me of someone out there loving me. i miss your shaking hands and your soft heart. but i'll be seeing you soon and it's all going to be alright. so think of me today and wish that i was there and you could go on holding me while i learn about my life. and soon, you'll be treating me to your graces, that i'm sure i don't deserve, and i will ask you again why you're so good to me.

soon.

the funeral

you never cease to amaze me. you're the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. and i love you.


a blessed night with perfect company, falling in around the river and back again. with high speed volume and that familar hand in mine. that simple comforting. spending time with you is healthy. because you give all of yourself and you give freely and you lay the world at my feet with a simple statement. and as i said lying beside you, becuase you've taken the time to show me i'm worth something, i believe i am. it's your warmth, your laugh like happiness falling like rain on snow. your trust. it's the way you still take care of me. it's all in the music. and when i'm lonely and i miss you, when i'm heartbroken and reaching out to someone to hold me, i listen. i listen to the sights and sounds of this dying america that you've put into my head. and i hear the way you love me, and i'm not alone anymore. and i know somehow you'll be there, just around the bend of the future, waiting to dance under the stars and hold my tiny hands, and hold my tiny heart, and mend the pains of whatever day it is i'll see you.

i have missed you. thank you.

you promise, you promise that you're done?

leaving the hospital today i stood at the nursery window and looked at the newborn babies. their tiny hands and faces. the little smiles and yawns. i watched them for a long time. i was born in that hospital. i was one of those babies once. and people may have walked by and looked at me just the same. standing there, i thought of you. i thought of the promises you've broken and the new one you've laid out before me. i thought of what may have been our life together. i thought about the ways it still might be ours. i thought about trusting you like those little babies trust the world. you promise me everything. you say you'll do it right this time. i need you to tell me you won't hurt me anymore. but i need to be able to believe it. are you done walking out? are you done being selfish? are you done taking me for granted? because if you prove me wrong about the fears i have with you, i'll mave my world to make it work. but you havae to meet me half way. do you promise you will? do you mean what you say when you tell me i can take my time? do you mean it when you say you really want this? talking to you, hearing those things, feels like being wrapped in the blanket i was taken home in. soft, good, warm, and safe. but knowing what's been said and knowing what's been done, i'm afraid to take a step in your direction. you'll have to show me you can love me, that you want me, and that it will be okay. you say you will, do you promise?

love/lust/parking lot

the parking lot

some slow kind of deep deep needing.
frantic just to be near you.
holding you so nearly, so tightly, that you're part of me.
you have the eyes of an angel.
frighten me becuase i'm afraid of never knowing you
you invade long hours ment for others and the world around.
creeping into my thoughts more like a flood.
so intensely needing some small bit of you.
my head in your hands.
my feet bare in the driveway.
and you with your eyes.
you are beautiful to me.



tennessee


i remember the days when your hair was longer than mine is now.
the days you called me your own.
the smoke of the hills settled in your eyes.
your face is all sorrow from the mountains.
we become tragic. we become tragedy.
some sweet mountain spring.
some thin tennessee hills, the air.
call down, come out of nashville.
some brilliant star of books and love beyond the means of me.
the baneing muse of my existence.
some smokey blue ridge transplant angel.


sarc

sarcasm.
soco. amaretto. lime.
slipping into a world where you'll try harder.
you bring me to deaths door, to my knees.
master.
we know the world only wants the one thing.
tell me what you want me to do.
a hand slide in the darkness,
this is what i came for.
you come so close to my face.
drop away.
then the first shaking kiss.
wanting it so badly.
the world delays.
you will make me catch my breath.
i'm ready.