you bleed just to know you're alive

today, the 30th, it's two weeks today. two weeks without any cutting or scratching. two weeks without the thin deep lines arcoss my left arm. two weeks, it's hard to think that i would find myself measuring out the days between self-injury. but i'm clean. and it doesn't come easy, i almost fell off the wagon tonight. and it seems such an up-hill fight. i can't tell if it's getting easier to say no, or just building up that slow push to bleed.

i will say this: it's a day by day battle. today i'm winning. i hope i am tomorrow. you may be going through this with me, it's not easy and we all fuck up. i can't tell you to just stop and you'll count the two weeks away and it's all better then. two days from now i could be back where i started, but i hope i'm not. i'll keep fighting not to be. and i hope you do too. even if you can't stop now, know that others are in this darkness with you, many have been in this darkness before us even. fuck the cliche "youre not alone." you feel alone. we all do. but at least we miserable are in good company. it will get okay.



"are you feelin that youre on the brink of spillin some red in the sink?
it wasn't the easiest year. no, i don't want you to go" - eve 6

it's been said

not fitting. i let it be said and i let it be believed. but i will not stand aside and watch as outside sources tell people i love that i'm not good enough. because that's the lie that eats away. someone isn't this enough or that enough or good enough. no fuck you. perfectly beautiful and wonderful people are less than enough every day because of who they're parents are (or aren't actually), where they worship (if they do), where they learn, what they look like, the music they here.

no more face fucking value. don't listen to everyone about anyone.

KNOW THE PERSON BEFORE YOU HATE THEM.



(you are my proof that what people say isn't always true and i love you anyway)

fill in the _ _ _ _ _

i am not a _ _ _ _ girl.
i don't wink and sway and prance in the eyes of the _ _ _ _ boys.
but i don't have to.
because i'm a _ _ _ _ _ _ girl, and i'm aluring to the _ _ _ _ boys.
because i am _ _ _ _. because i can _ _ _ _ like no other.
because i _ _ _ _. because i am _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
because i'm great _ _ _ _ _. because to all the _ _ _ _ boys,
i'm the _ _ _ _ _ girl.
the girl their parents _ _ _ _. but you know what?
i like being _ _. because though some boys take _ _ _ _ girls home to mom,
all boys _ _ _ _ a girl like _ _ would love them for who they _ _ _ and _ _ _ _' _.





my appologies to ru for stealing his idea of blanks... oops.

to lay your armor down

the music

1. don't wait - dashboard confessional
2. defying gravity- the wiked soundtrack
3. miss murder - AFI
4. move along - all american rejects
5. the funeral - band of horses
6. it's getting easy - dear and the headlights
7. glycerine - bush
8. here's to the night - eve 6
9. the kill - 30 seconds to mars



the plan

make those memories that my life is missing. the kind you can't live without. take the first real road trip of the summer. rock the AFI show. get inked. go on a date. start something big. come up with a film. roller skate. fall in love.



the reason

there comes a moment when you have to get past the sickness and choose to leave the bed and live.

the flying machine

once upon a time, my hero touched the sky. he flew to the top of the world. he sprouted wings and swam arcoss the sky. he fell through the gray mornings and dove into the dim dawn. at that time when the air is a cool haze and the first swirling leaves carry the sound of twilight birds greeting the day. he wrote chilly words of brisk love and humanity. he sang like silent films and danced like the fading silver screen. once upon a time my hero built a flying machine and waded through the shallows of my life. once upon a time my hero waxed beautiful and drew portraits of what a soul would look like, could you see one and hold it in your hand. once upon a time my hero has been many things. once upon a time.

and now my love you are my hero, you do these things and more, what beautiful thing will you add to the silvery blue of once upon a time memories of all the heros that i've known?

smoke

the jump in your sternum, that sudden flash of intense fear. your eyes slam shut. you hear the sound: the sound of plastic snapping, glass crushing, steel folding and bending. the groan. the sudden jarring snatch and slam. and then the smell... the smell of smoke. steam, oil. in a sudden instant the whole world goes black. find yourself standing ouside of the mangled debris, looking into the wreckage. the cold rain drizzles on the asphalt. glass is spattered about the roadway, the flashing blue streams about you. and amid the the cold fall rain, warm salt leaks down your face.

imagine the moments above only 60 miles faster ending in a ditch or around a tree or lamp post. the gray sky rolling above you in misty fog.

all the raw cold power of twisted metal a frozen mess around your body, amazing and beautiful.

and again we walk away.

shine on me, shine on me, shine

i've been determined all day long to make the most of it, do my best, and keep singing. keep moving. keep putting it together. i'm all healed up, and i hope to stay that way, but usually i'm only clean for a few days before the lines show up again. but i have the urge to be alive today. might not be here tomorrow, may be the opposite thoughts, but today is okay, and i'm breathing easy. i'm fighting the demons. cause somehow inside, i have the deep desire to hurt myself some more.

the deaf and the blind

i feel like youre hurting. or maybe just tired or annoyed or unsettled somehow and it hurts me to think that you might be. and you need to be told that nothing is wrong with you and people care for you. i know it may not seem like much from someone like me, but i know so many people would be lost withot you, myself included. you said yourself you're my teacher. so i want you to know that, i'll try to be better, to help you, to learn more, and to hold back those moments of taking it out on you. you've been more than wonderful to me and i am truly blessed to be able to call you my friend. when that long day, good bad or nothing at all, rolls around and you're feeling restless, tired, or indifferent, think about all of us who care. and if you can't think of that, then think of me. i hope your days are bright and all you want them to be, because you deserve no less than everything.

so in this closing i say, somewhere in this great wide world sits lisa, your friend, who cares about who you are and who you want to be and what your life will become. a girl who worries about you and thinks about you and even prays a little for you every day. here i sit, wondering if you're needing a shoulder the way i've needed yours before. here i am at 3 am letting you know that i love you. unconditionally. i will always be here for you. so smile for me a little when you read this and have a good day knowing that i have a HUGE great hug for you when i see you again.

someone loves you, a lot. i hope that can comfort you.


remember the best thing you've ever told me "it's not all fucked"

miscommunication

daft, and waking from some dream, i realize that the best thing for me today is to drive the soul out of the world back to that little town where i can at least find the edge i'm needing. and it's a feeling like i must escape. this confusion that is EVERYTHING i EVER say to ANYONE. i am out of context. i live that way. and when my heart breaks, you think it's something you said. and when it is something you said, they think its my situation in life. and when it's my situation in life, the one who broke my heart in the first place runs away.

but my words seem to mean unfortunate things, things never intended. and when the meanings are there and as obvious and the blood on my wrists, they fall on deaf ears.

i won't stop speaking for the sake of clarity. i enjoy noise pollution too much.

i'm not angry, i'm hurt. but hey, i probably already fucked up anyway so...







oh and josh, it's your fault.

on the inside

it kills me a little... knowing that i'm coming up somehow short of all i wish i could mean to you. and the days pass here. long, lonely. missing every tiny thing about you right down to the things that break my heart. this whole thing is a car wreck in slow motion.

but i've told you this before, i'm not going anywhere unless you ask me.

so hold me. when i meet you again. remember the first time. the shaking and the hot hot rush. remember the passion. know that i love you. know that i would follow you to the end of the world, and even though you'll never ask me to, my bags are already packed.

know that for this time in all of the cosmic moments that will someday make up the time i spent on this earth, i am yours. madly. i hope one day i can make you happy.

and i ask one day that you could look at me and see me for the first time, all over again.

from up here the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire

somewhere high above this city sits an angel, calling my name over the hum, pop, and buzz of the neon city lights. somwhere far and away is the sound of soul that's missing me, waking with me on his mind.

and as the fluid traffic stream fell through the cracks of a beautiful Atlanta skyline, i thought of every moment past in it's streets and midnights. some foggy and fantasic, unreal, the embellished dreams of my child hood. some fond and bleeding with the sounds of Deftones over the speakers of a dear friend's four-door pickup. Some angry, frustrated with the potential ruin of civilization. All of them, the best moments of my life to date.

and somewhere in this pulse and freeze the first unhappy time i can remember about the city. the news that the nightmare i'd lived in, the dream come vividly to life in a most torturous way, was actually much worse than i could have imagined. another day, another demon.

but as the blackness of the passenger's seat overtook me and all i could tell in the world was the glowing shadowy down town postcard of Atlanta, all again was right with the world.

and every window, tunnel, car, or turn around went up in a heavenly type blaze like some sparkler dim on the stars. my soul climbed to the top of the world, looked out across a vast sea of light like pin hole stars, and free-fell back to earth in the center of the city.

the world around me died. the twinkle lights began to breathe.

nocturne

every time i think of what i must mean to you i get this funny feeling like you'll grow to hate me one day because of my being so hard to deal with sometimes. i have read the faded accounts of what may well be some sort of demons. you are my favorite poison. you are my sins remembered, and yours as well. and now thinking on you i fall into this sensation of passionate fury and deepening desire and infatuation. because like me, you are easily infatuating. i cross your mind... day to day. do you think of the curve of my face? the float of my fingers across your skin? my hair falling about us both as i look down into the intensity of what is you?

do you think about the hunger spilling from these lips just to feel you next to me? the way you can hear me thinking from across the room?

because i miss the utter stillness, when i catch your look and the world goes quiet. i miss the silence of the way you could look at me and shut my soul away from the evil that's out there. and i'm sure how badly i'm needing you is written all over my body, but burned, blackened into my heart. permanent.

how i would move heaven and hell and all of the cosmos to make and keep you perfect, happy, here, safe, and my own. but you float out to see, freely, like some distant comet spinning madly into the western skies and vanishing on the oblivion of my horizon. but i will chase after your burning light for all of eternity, or until you tell me to stay away.

because, as i have mentioned before, i am in love with you.

so, could you remember me today, miss me a little? and let me know, i've touched you in some way?

someone i am is waiting

these days i'm surrounded by poison. it's in the water, the air, in th blood, i feel it down to my bones. and somehow this weary being keeps moving deep into the darkness, hands clinched, afraid of the dark and all thats in it. one must come to wonder, will there come a day when she stops? will there come a day when the blackness will be too thick and crush her into self concluded oblivion? there is much to come but yet one must ask, is tomorrow getting better?

what if i promised to be okay, if you'd just let me fall? what if i told you that letting me go would save me? what if it were okay to let me die? and if the answers were all still "no" and you would not let me shuffle off the mortal coil, would you stay by my side through the sickness? this sickness that is the slow terminal dying away of a beautiful and tragic soul...

where are the angels... is anyone weeping for this?

because i'm so tired... just so tired...

is it really worth what we do to ourselves?

i'm amost tired enough to just let go. hating myself for all my stupid mistakes and for the people who just can't seem, for all their trying, to help me. and it's all going down into the pitch black darkness or that abandon to the sweetest ave maria's... i hate this world and how i've come to live in it. and i swear if i pick up another razor blade, i'll be lucky if all i need is stitches.


goodnight.

one more for the playlist

eve 6- friend of mine

letting go

fading everything to black and blue
you look a lot like you'd
shatter in the blink of an eye
but you keep sailing right on through
every time you say you're learning
you just look a lot like me
pale under the blistering sky
white and read black and blue

you've been waiting a long time
you've been waiting a long time
to fall down on your knees
cut your hands
cut yourself until you bleed
but fall asleep next to me

wait for everyone to go away
and in a dimly lit
room where you got nothing to hide
say your goodbyes
tell yourself we'll read
a note that says
"i'm sorry everyone.
i'm tired of feeling nothing. goodbye."

wash your face
dry your eyes

cause you've been waiting a long time
you've been waiting a long, long time
to fall down on your knees
cut your hands
cut yourself until you bleed
but fall asleep next to me

and have a dream i'm falling down
on my face
scrape my knees
i scrape my hand until they bleed
cause you're fast asleep next to me

i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me

playlist:

1. ana's song- silverchair
2. telemarket mishap- dear and the headlights
3. black and blue- counting crows
4. amsterdam- coldplay
5. running from the rain- thursday
6. miss you love- silverchair
7. jumper- third eye blind
8. self conclusion- the spill canvas
9. aura lee- aarctika
10. hate me- blue october




open fire on the needs designed
on my knees for you
open fire on my knees desires
what i need from you

-ana's song

i could tell you all the beautiful things

they are the moments driving down rain trodden highways in total darkness with the pitter patter of wetness all around you and hearing the beautiful words of Kerouac spill all into the night over the stereo. they are waiting around in the "no loitering" signs for a simple hug and the notice that however mad you are with a man, they always seem to smell so good. its a corset that can shave two inches off of your already teeny-weeny waist and make even the staunchest and upright men turn their heads in your direction. it's bright red matte lipstick on the girl right next to you who shares your dreams your family and your cigarettes. it's being asked to advertise jewerly and walking right out the door with the promise to return it and being trusted to do so. it's tapas. god help us, it's food and wine and being asked if you'd like a drink when you know good and well you don't deserve to be paid for, but you take them up on the offer. they are looking into the eyes of that lovely soul who shares their melodies with you. it's being in love and telling him. it's making mistakes and dancing in the headlights. it's southern rain on southern nights in the summer. it's anticipating visits. it's everything he makes me feel. it's best friends. it's old friends. red wine, white wine, good beer. books on tape and pretending to do something completely normal just to have a moment alone with the one who mkes you feel anythign but ordinary. it's the music. it's tonight. tonight is all the beatiful things minus one...


and somehow i wish you were here.

mistakes were made

well.... this is uh, rather embarassing. seems in my haste and annoyance witht he site in the privious post, i failed to read the part where the makers of godhatesshrimp.com say "just kiddin!"

so yeah big thank you to whoever posted that comment. i'm still leaving the site link... cause it's pretty damned funny.

guh, i feel like an idiot. :(

not kosher

are you fucking kidding me??? i'm a christian and i'm embarassed...

it felt like a kiss

back in february i made a post titled "paint." i happened upon the website where i found those pictures and saw more of them that in some way or another spoke to me. they are what follows

the link to the full site will be in my sidebar.

i have no right

because when i see you it makes me want to die. it's like this ripping at my heart with some kind of heat and blister. because i haven't the right to ask this. i haven't the right to feel this way on into the midnights. because i feel like i'll never be good enough. because i want to think that i'm special to you. because it hurts so much. but yes, i am in love with you.

and the virgins are clipping their wings

the sun rises. the dreams end. the sleep falls away. i roll over. the phone doesn't ring. i get up, brush my teeth, stand in the steam and rinse away a night's rest from my body. dry off. maybe i'll get around to finally feeding myself today. the sun travels. the phone doesn't ring. no one knocks. the music swells. the tv speaks... er, law and order, TNT's "prime time in the daytime" all day long. the computer boots. quizzes, kill time, music... nothing catching or beautiful. nothing i'm allowed to listen to until it's on a cd in my car turned up loud. the sun moves. the phone doesn't ring. the door stays closed. no one knocks. the couch invites. sleep in the folds of cotton blankets. swin in them. grocery store. antioxidants and some apples. clean food. the sun sinks. the phone doesn't ring. the only meal i'll have today... a banana. mile run in the settling dusk. stand in the steam and rinse away a day of nothingness from my body. dry off. step to the scales... another day, another pound down. the sun sets in black. the phone doesn't ring. back to the bathroom. the silver shines. the skin breaks. bandaid. the washer fills. the washer washes. the dryer heats. the dryer dries. the buzzer rings. my father hasn't come home. the day ends. the head lies down. the lights go out. the phone never rings.

stay awake through summer like we own the heat

the thick southern summer air sizzles over the blacktop and calls my name to follow down some road into a million midnights here i see your face in the darkness comforting this weary soul. we will prowl the hours, howling at the bloody moon like it's ours to possess in silence. we will escape. i am here with you, will you be here with me?

and the people i've loved and left and those i'm missing in this mad mad season are doing all they can. we're all doing all we can. we're young and attractive with the world at all our feet and we could do so much. we could tear down the wall. we could rain down the next generation of expansion and love and freedom. we can sip our soco and plan the domination of the soul. we are limitless.

don't ever let them tell you you're not beautiful. right down to the evil in all of us. the darkness that stalks the sidewalks and fuels our sexdrives. we could get the fuck out of this town and find redemption, salvation, and true love. because you're all on my mind tonight. and i want us all to do it.

because we'll all die young in some firey blaze into the west with passion and fearlessness in a most epic burn out like some explosive super nova. and our minds and bodies will live on, but not our hearts. live this life while you can. for some of us, it ends so early. live like you and yours are the only people on earth.

the dust in my viens is so ablaze i can taste it. it's the smell of a worn out engine and the promise of the west coast holding hands with lovers and sleeping the days away in the backseat. live this life without abandon and with disregard for the mundane. we've lost so much time already. and i don't want to die in this place.

so i'm getting the fuck out... first fucking chance i get.

live a life of epic proportion...

the one where i wake up and i'm alive....

there's nothing like the fallout and the ache of knowing you've slid back into that dark world between dreams. but for me, seeing the bloodflow isn't shame or comfort, simply a passing act. a thing that has happened.

and when i die play some dylan, hang your heads, and cry those long lost moments of weakness.

angels and airwaves

not a day goes by where i don't learn somthing about this world and the lives we live. days of hurt and pain and sadness. days of rest and longing. days of contentment and peace. but every day i learn. and one thing i have come to know in recent days, is that i don't have to be alone. there is always someone out there somewhere. somewhere someone is thinking of my happiness and worrying about how i slept last night. some days someone shares a song, someone shares a story, someone calls or texts or stops by. sometimes the sun doesn't shine so harshly, some days that perfect kind of rain comes. some days i'll make love. but it's the in between that kills us all. the one day out of so many where you seem to wish the world to fall down around you and swallow you in the darkness. the one day in the middle of a hundred perfect days when you hope something fast and heavy stops your breath on the freeway. burn those bridges when you get there.

you see it's those days, the days when you've been used, beaten, forgotten, or mistreated that make the better days, well... better.

those days for me sometimes out number the good in the world, but those days i look back on the songs, or poems, or phone calls that climb up the airways and teach me about all my life, it's those days when i learn to appreciate the people who love me. last night, i was told two very touching and important things: first, i was told that, though flawed, i have become a beautiful person... with or without the help of others. i'm strong but dependant. it helps to know i've gotten somewhere, and i won't easily forget the journey. second, i was told that for all the plotting of my own demise, the loathing, the cutting, the pain... i could never end my life because i love it too much. to hear someone tell me that they love how much i love my own life, how passionate i am to keep living though what i wish wasn't hell... it makes a profound difference.

so in short i want to thank the angels... for the songs, the thoughts, the prayers, the calls, the visits, and most of all i thank my "teacher"

i thank you for giving me hope to live this life and teaching me all about it.

explicit content

I'm a bit more than unsettled

so fuck you...

i hope you're burning in hell

that magic moment in the little black dress

see, i told you you'd get a special treat

and just think, i'm right here waiting ;-)

snowy soft

"it's not all fucked"

i think i'll get out of here for a while

absinthe after dinner

this world does not get easier. we are not promised a free pass into calm seas or clear skies. but this world, my world, sees the rain come, the clouds form, and the darkness spread through the soul. the world is never easy... but i've exhausted myself in the hopes of finding some peace. there are a thousand scars criss-crossing the dirt and no path is particularly smooth or worn. this is the road i am traveling. stuck granite cut into the infinate earth. a road of blood and travel-lorn weary passengers softening in the dark. sans mother, sans father, and with all the demons of hell following behind. but you see, i want off this road. this road so few seem to notice i am on. i want to wake one morning and not hear the cries of help ringing off in some distant shore, haunted with my nightmares. i want off this road where my past is present and future. this town, this land is dead. the road is constant circles that lead back to this sad place. this place where i feel welcome only by the obligation to love. the place where i am wanted simply for the reason that there is no other option. this place where i am burden. simply baggage for those around me. those deaf to my cires and blind to my actions. and all the sympathy in the world would never dry the tears that seem to flow so naturally from my baby blues. i'm not looking for the pitty. i just want someone to talk to. i want to get out of this place. i want to run, to drive, to fly away from this place. i want to be held and cherished and loved. i want out. i want up. i want away and far and soon. i want to drink with my lover and forget the burns of the past. i want to be wanted by my family and loved, not out of guilty obligation, but genuine feeling. i want to feel less like i'm the problem, and more like i'm on my way to the answer.

the answer.

the mighty atlantic sunrise

the sun rises and sets over empty hearts and empty streets and every so often i hear the ocean in my mind and think of how all those must be feeling. they are all out, saving the world. and i am here. waiting, lovesick and sworn to the souls of the dying. waiting here for the triumphant return. and how i miss you.

and how the swell fills up all the lungs of all the people in all the world. and the sand and salt burn holes in the sunlight. that clean smell, that ultimate moment. and i know all my love lies on the ocean now, a million miles away, and a thousand miles apart. two shadow whispers of the heart of a blue-eyed southern girl.

sweet teas and mint julip and the sound of a born and bred kentucky singing the songs of rebellion. the shine and the draw of the neon city lights with the buzz and echo of learning to let go. the mourning and the hot hot rush. each the beauty and the longing.

a girl, in love, and fighting ghosts of a resurection.

and how my heart is pulled.