beforeandafter

I heard about your trip
I heard about your souvenirs
I heard about the cool breeze and the cool nights
And the cool guys that you spent them with
I guess I should have heard of them from you
I guess I should have heard of them from you

Well don't you see, don't you see
That the charade is over
And all the "best deceptions" and the
"Clever cover story" awards go to you

So kiss me hard
'Cause this will be the last time that I let you
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips
Will be of service to keeping you away

I heard about your regrets
I heard that you were feeling sorry
I heard from someone that you wish you could
Set things right between us
Well, I guess I should have heard of that from you
I guess I should have heard of that from you

Well don't you see, don't you see
That the charade is over
And all the "best deceptions" and the
"Clever cover story" awards go to you

So kiss me hard
'Cause this will be the last time that I let you
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips
Will be of service to keeping you away
To keeping you away

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers
I'll be alright when my hands get warm
Ignoring the phone--I'd rather say nothing
I'd rather you never heard my voice
You're calling too late, too late to be gracious
You do not warrant long goodbyes
You're calling too late
You're calling too late
You're calling too late

that band you hate is singing our songs...

"best deceptions"

"dusk and summer"

"stolen"

"saints and sailors"

"the secret's in the telling"


.....you wish you could set things right between us?

to the boy who has marked me his own

you sprinkled your hatred on my lips
and kissed me like acid
leaving self shaped scars
that crack and bleed whenever you get near me

i am waiting for the days that i won't think of you
i am waiting for this long goodbye to be over
i am waiting for the moments that my mouth does not linger on your return
and for the kiss that won't taste like i hate you

i fear you more than pain and death
and suffering through hell,
because you alone hold my heart in your hands
why must we dance this destruction?

lingering on phone calls and moments of your voice
waiting for the haunting hollow stillness of the way we make love
and all the while pushing against the cosmos for your fatal poison
with you wishing you could be who i hoped you were

why do we come back around to this?
betraying others in ourselves to taste the sickness
cutting ourselves on the bones of our bodies
and sleeping in the blood our love has left behind

liars and the weather

fucking truthfulness in this town changes like the wind. we're all going to burn in hell, and i'm leading the parade i think. i can't fucking wait to get to boston.

love, hate, miss

i struggle with the attempt to figure out what my day will be today. somewhere in the dark between here and a slightly larger city i began to break, i don't know what that really means but it sounded good.

the fact of the matter is i will parade through my classrooms pretending to learn the dedicated words and sounds and syllables. all the while some other song will be ringing in my head like a sweet classical tune.but is that enough to fall in love with my day???

i mentioned to someone the facts of a newly charged urge to bleed and had to explain i can't risk the scars. oh but how i want to. i wanted to. i did so really really wish do. and i could take them with me like my music.

at three a.m.

funny how i'm the only one alive in this town at three a.m.

i'm staring blankly into pictures of forgotten backgrounds that hold my musings painting poems and strings of my heart. i wonder if you're sleeping yet after the night you might have had. i know i'm not yet done with the shaking and sobbing of the good and the bad. I won a battle tonight but started losing a very intimate war. all i know is that even civilians will perish, and i am far from un-involved. as much as i would like to say i could wash my hands clean of this. somewhere in the rising distance i can hear the drums of a white flag waved high over her beautiful head. and i don't know whats been done or just how the wars get started but i know i get to see them executed, rage in spiteful words, and later end. i don't know what she will do. but oddly i am more concerned with if it causes you discomfort. see, i will hope for a draw and no winning or losing but it seems to me her surrender is unavoidable. please don't be angry, i've see enough wars in my own life to enlist in either of these armies. and i will stand in the crossfire in my blood red answers and pray not to be hit by the bullets.

i will try to show you

i would write you letters with the ink from your bones
cover you with my shaking
and curl beside you for my safety
because you lying here is what has kept me
carefully on tip toe
round the corners and hushness of your whispers
the knocks at your windows, locks on your doors
create love songs and pet names for the bodies passing through
and i will linger here a little while longer
drinking in deeply
the notes on your body and the sparks in your eyes
pouring my vulnerabilities onto your floor
in footprinted puddles

of the ghosts that have come before this
settle my soul and let the words do you justice
try to show you as i drift to sleep
and continue to dream on past the pretty pictures of you
that i hear you in my ears
when all other sounds are leaving







i _ _ _ _ falling asleep near you

all kinds of beautiful

I see a sense of wonder deep inside your eyes
As we're sparkling and twirling in the twilight
And after three long years, I think that we both need this
So we seal the deal
in the parking lot with a kiss

And in case you

And
in case you were wondering,
you are like a sunset to me
You're all kinds of beautiful as you end my day
And you sweetly retire as stars chase you away

I'd collapse to the grass,
with your notes ringing in my head
Let the rain fill my mouth, and in a couple hours
I'll be dead
But all the while my lips are whistling our tune
But the beauty lies in how you will revive me
soon

And in case you, and in case you

And
in case you were wondering,
you are like a sunset to me
You're all kinds of beautiful as you end my day
And you sweetly retire as the stars chase you away

and
in case you were wondering, you are like a hurricane to me
Your violence is beautiful, and your center sweet
Now tell me this, do you know how we'd meet?

And
in case you were wondering, you are everything to me

that's more than i can say for _ _ _

isn't it funny how a song can find you in the right moments of the day? i could have run for a million hours on the fuel. i don't want to feel so much for a memory, for a ghost, or for a perfectly real someone just outside of the reach of this heart. somewhere along this road of devoted second chances and secrets kept from no one but ourselves i have grown into more than just some girl. i wish you could see that sometimes. all the words i used to know and the ones i still have occasion to hear, fall on me like the song of the moment. like the mix of emotion and sadness in the silky taste of broken friendships and great great love affairs. i have to say, i could be everything you're looking for, but you'll never know that.

so i tie it up in my black satin ribbons and i wait for rainy days and treadmills. rainy days to let it free in gray skies, and treadmills to watch it burn in softly spoken anger. i'll keep my voice low and my hopes lower, parting on the sidewalks someday far from now. one day i will say goodbye to this need. the most important heartbeats i have ever known, one is hushed now and the other does not want to beat for me.

i want to say to two of you, thank you for what you have taught me. and to the one, i know you can't hear me and i know you don't know me anymore, i know you're far away and maybe still dreaming of how we could have saved the world, but i want to say thank you for the night you stayed up with me to hold my hand from hours away and quiet the hurt. thank you for staying until it was over, i understand now why you had to leave.

i don't hate you

for the first time in weeks i doubted myself, and for a split second i was going to run. i was going to run all the way to you, even though i know "you" are the last place i ever need to be. i wonder sometimes if you lie awake and pray that it will all go away. i wonder if we can someday pretend to be the only two people in the world. days like today my heart breaks for the memory of you and i die for the moments i'm sure i will never know again. as much as i hate it, you have a part of me. but i'm afraid of you and all the pain you bring. i want so much to hear you say you love me. time and miles have torn apart who we used to be. but i'd live with the blood just for the moments when you lie next to me, and hold me, and tell me all the secrets of the world. i've never loved like i loved you. all these words will never fix the sickness, but i will never be done with you. i still wear your clothes when i feel alone inside. i still have your pictures on my walls. i still think about you every day and i still miss your voice, your kiss, and your cheekbones. i still do all those things, but do i still keep that part of you alive? the part you never wanted to die?

i would have stayed up with you all night

amid the fumes of the makeshift brewery filled with 20 something's out of school, married, and employed time slowed down as if 2007 would never get here. phones start ringing, lovers hold close and kiss as if it were the last chance of their lives, songs an pops and shots of not just alcohol but fire as well. i made my way to one singular number and drunkenly slur the sign of the season. had i been sober there would have been more love that just a ringing in of the new year and to the one i called... i am sorry for the screaming :).

but more into the moments i understand now there was some place in my body that the dyed hair, fake lashes, and kitten heels could not get to. there was a need and a want to let you know... and poorly so... that i hope this year is better than the last one and that you find the peace that i am so hopelessly searching for. you are intentionally the most beautiful person i know with the power to walk on the oceans, at least the oceans of human hearts. mine included.

heed your own words of worth and love, my dear. you deserve the happiness. and the clarity of the blackhaired girl in the corner of the world last night would have turned your head. and it made me smile. that smile you love so much.

i wish you could have been there.