lolita

6:45 and it's chilly outside. not cold, just brisk. like fall in waynesboro. i'm mulling it all over in my head. going through every step, walking my memories. my heart is dead set, later to be dissapointed, but i know it's not your fault. today was filled with that certain unease. that rage, the feeling i get when i'm reminded of how broken i really am. what all this has made me. what i have become. i miss you. i want to be near you. because you're more to me than you think. i see in you this beauty, this amazing light in a place that is so dark to me. i sit on the sidelines and ponder how i got so sick in the first place. it all reminds me of how not worth you i can be. and maybe these things that happen are some universal way of telling me to stop fooling myself into thinking i am good. i cannot for the life of me see what there is in me that you still keep around. and in honesty, if i didn't feel alone already i do tonight. simply for the fact that i let myself be dissapointed. it's not your fault. and you need this time, but i need time with you. my world went to hell in the two hours it flashed on the screen and i am dying inside. pretending not to be harmed, to be better than what those people in my past have made me believe. but i'm not. i'm not and i wanted you to see that i am needy and hurting. i want to scream at the stars and blatantly ask God why i have to be so fragile and sick and broken. i just wanted you. i just wanted you to hold me. i just wanted you, and you can't be here. it's not your fault, but i still wanted you. so when you feel better, call. i just want to hold you.

sharpie part II

blah blah blah. ramblings of a freshly woken mind and don't think i don't know that you all think this makes no sense. it's not supposed to. the endless stumbling moments when no one will know what to do or how to do it. i wish this show were already over. my body feels feverish. who are they to comment on the ink either on or under my skin? who am i to feel ashamed of who i am? there is no one in that room any better than me, no one more important, who's thoughts are thought more valuably. why feel i must be good enough for them? i am much happier to be good enough for me. and even now my eyes water up with rage. i twist and stretch and yawn to shake the contempt in me. this will be a beautiful day.

sharpie

it's raining all through the month of february. cold, wet, rain. it's freezing. the days are long and the nights are full of lust, passion, and neediness. there is no rest and my body is beggining to show it. i would kill to be held. and i miss falling asleep next to you. so, make time for me. remember, you always make it up to me. i love you ;-)

it brings my knees to the earth

it infects my soul. the sound of it. the pulse and the rythm. i'd go off on you if i could. it's a private understanding. i have an urge. it's primal. less than primal even, it's animal. can't you tell in the way i flash my eyes and cut them in your direcrtion? i've started something i can't control. and i promise not to start what i can't finish. i'd fuck you blind. i'm losing my breath, my sleep, and my mind over it. and i can't take much more. my whole body is burning. it's a drug. it moves me and i am overcome with myslef and such bone breaking want. i would have it split me open wide with writhing and agonizing desire. i'm three steps from lying at the door in hopes of being explored, felt, enjoyed, craved, wanted, discovered. because i just can't take the wait. please, god, please. it's pulling me apart. unraveling my body in slow, feverish anticipation. i am captive and sprawled open like some flower in the sunlight. give me what i need.

it's been days

and i haven't needed anything. i havent felt weak. i haven't wanted a place to go to. it's been days on days. but the moment stops here. the moment has run out. and yes, i do come to you, but only because you care and because you said you'd be there if i need you. today i do. i feel like you'll help me when i need it. my job is to figure out what i can manage and what's too big for me to do alone. and i need someone to go to. and maybe that's just me, but please don't think this is something that will go away if i take a walk in the woods. don't worry. it's okay. i'm used to the gradual wearing down of the ability of those around me to keep hearing all my shit. but the solution is only as simple as someone for me to talk to. so be that for me. please. i love you. it's only today.

i got a bad disease

and today i struggle with it. i'm torn inside. i'm bleeding. i'm feeling lost. and i know that's not all i can feel, i've been doing so well. but not today. today i want to weep, i want to cry, i want to tear open my arms and swim in my hurt. and i'm tracing every scar on my wrist and i'm hoping and praying to god that i don't go back there. today is that day. the day the child inside is crying. the day that i'm hungry for more than just food. today is the day that i'm praying for anyone out there to make right. today is that day i need a reason to keep going. today is the day that i need to be held.

for brent, where ever you are

"standing in line to see the show tonight and there's a light on, heavy glow"


i think of you every time i hear that song. the november freezing cold near the ocean holding my place so i could get in to see the band. You sang "wounded" and held my hand. Those blue eyes. for a fleeting moment we were just people in the music. i bit my thumb, you blushed. your hand on my stomach and we danced. "danger." and then it was all over. i miss the moments of being someone's long lost memory. what a beautiful reunion. so here's one last parting word and i hope you find it haunting you like it does me. "i hope you take a piece of me with you."


november 28, 2004
third eye blind
myrtle beach

mid-summer georgia evening

the breeze tonight is warm and gentle. it carries spring in ripples and bounds. passing along courtyards and houses lining a country road. somewhere children are playing in the streets. summer nightfall is fast approaching full of gnats and mosquitos, fireflies and fireworks. there is a certain cooling charm to a mid-summer georgia evening. just as the world starts to forget its heat. when the slow drawl of blue-eyed southern girls meets sweet tea, and passion and intrigue and unrivaled beauty flow with the sweetness of wild honeysucle. we have a comanding presence. we have a sway and a flirtatious air. we and our lovers laid out under countess stars on blankets in hay fields or patches of sweet grass or the banks of the wadley river. make love outdoors, on the beach, in the peach grove, on the 11th green in south carolina. we sparkle like cherry coke. there is nothing in this world like a southern girl's summer love. baseball and concerts, kissing in the rain. the night air swirling around in chlorine and alcohol. the wind is singing the scent of strawberries and cake. the shortness of breath, the humidity, the sight of a debutante swept up in a world of antibellum beauty. my mind fades to memories of drunken abandon after senior year. the taste of salt and rum. laughing in the glow of the affluent elite. finding the ocean, the marsh, the lowcountry. back to country pickups and hidden bonfire parties. back to discovery. nothing stagnant. back to climbing trees, eating watermellon, and drinking wine. back to sleeping on the roof of emily's pool house. back to night fishing on the creek. back to stolen kisses in parking lots and the sticky hot air of downtown block parties. back to the nights when i was infatuating and everything the boys ever wanted. tonight is much like those nights. there is a shift in my emotion. a longing and a wonder brought on by cream soda, sparklers, and near-dark picninc dinners on the steps of nieghborhood houses. the summer is coming strong, my time of power, mystery, and peace. time to be everything you can't take your eyes off of.

sugar on the asphalt

monitor your salt intake. who the fuck are you to speak this way to me? what moves you to call me liar? whore? controler? if you feel i take power over you, it is only because you freely give it. do not call me out in public for what you consider my sins until you can look me in the eye and not want to fuck me behind your new lover's back. because i've seen the way you look over my body. i notice the way you touch me. do not presume to speak to me of your perception of my wrongdoings and i won't point out that you've been just as bad as i have. i pity you. that's why i do not lash out at you, not the way i really could. but you harbor ill will for my soul. i have caught you in your lie. it sickens me to the point of madness. and yes, i am full of contempt for your bitching whore of a woman. but fear not, it is not out of jealousy, merely disdain. that is all she is worth to me. i will soil my hands with your misery no longer. the american romance has put holes in my heart. and if you don't fear me yet, if you're not fleeing from me yet, perhaps you should be. i can make this hell for you, and yes i am that vindictive. do you tell her my secrets? god help you if you do. she's been lurking for the start, playing her own underhanded agenda. what makes you think she'll love you any longer than her last one? from this point on do not look at me with pain and hurt. if you push me that much farther, you will get what's coming to you. and you deserve everything i'll give you.

i'm feelin this

chronic restless, unable to explain, my exaustion knows no bounds. my sleeping lately has been so hard, so deep, so abrasive. headaches and numerous interruptions. i'm running myself into the ground with reckless abandon. but in the very least, i'm burning out with an unrivaled passion for life. my life is on fire and i've got one hell of a story to tell. this world is alive. i'm facinated. and i am waking in the precursor of the dawn. there is a curious stir throughout the space. pleading, bliss and then return to the dark. a rude awakening in the best way possible. that familiar hot rush. shaking off the liquid sleep and taking it all in. i'm feelin this. its quickness, its deepness, its passion, control, sound, release, fury, like the air itself is on fire with me. shaking and covered in cold heat. i'm devoting to the feeling. sudden shivers and the world turns to blue. my soul expands, breathes, and explodes in my chest. then at last i shake the stars down from their firmament, tear a hole in the cosmos, and send my body shooting to the heavens like some dying comet all ablaze with painfully longing peace. i'm feelin this. this day started out in my favorite way.

"this bed is on fire with passion and love"










style. mood. wonder. thought. i'm buzzing today.

"you would kill for this, just a little bit"

swept off my feet in that way i like so much. i am special. i am important. i am meaningful. in the way you look at me. i believe you when you say you love me.



i am sifting through my files to find the perfect song for this early valentine's day. i am a hopeless romantic, alone on the holiday that was written for hopeless romantics. but i'm okay with it. and my heart is going out to you. if there is anyone who deserves love, peace, and satisfaction on a day like today, it is you. i thought you should know, i will think of you today. i will love you. i will see you in my mind, happy and warm. in that state of contemplating peacefulness that i have come to not only admire but also feed off of. happy valentine's day, pretty boy.



"sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything"

"they were all in love with dying they were drinking from a fountain that was pouring like an avalanche, coming down a mountain"

you say i give myself too much credit. do you even know how lucky you are to have me? and i don't think it's fair to sit here and wait for you to realize what you have in front of you. i would be much more than you could even handle if you'd only give me a chance. and as far as giving myself too much credit... someone needs to, why not me because you never give me enough.



despite the 20 page paper due tomorrow and the above mentioned outburst, today is a beautiful day.

paint

and you wonder why i'm so skinny

or dreaming your life?

you told me so...

ruari's wall

let her sing, if it eases all her pain

my stomach churns in the early morning sunshine. a brisk biting monday morning. it's gray and chill, the sparkler stars are still fading. i'm doing all i can to get my mind together. she's with me, comforting and holding me. softly whispering affirmation that it's all going to be okay. but there is a tremble in my being so alone and doubting that nothing seems to reach me. i'm not strong, i'm a scared little girl. it may even have been easier alone. slow and purposeful, washing away my sins. my heart is clean. reunion and out into the world. songs play low and we shuffle through the world. she gives a knowing glance in my direction as we walk, she knows i'm nervous. she stayed near me all night long, through the anticipation of fear. she takes my hand. "you can cry if you want to. it's all going to be okay." the air is warm and the hearts there are full of compassion. they give me a nod, and a pat on the head, and send me on my way. back out into the cold and there is a curious reminder of my being waiting just beyond the buildings. cruel suspicion and shame. the cure for my disease. we stay in, curled up and warm. the warm salt drip from my face falls on silent covers. i'm aching for peace. screaming for it. praying some release. i sleep. the sickness wells. i fold into myself and stay warm. try to keep some food down. face my world in sleepy neglect. with my eyes, i sing. something in me died today. it was a peculiar loneliness, the death of possibility. and you cannot undersatnd it until you've been there yourself. and i feel isolated in this respect. stronger now than i was. i canot put it into words, it simply is an isolating moment. but for those at my side, you watched it happen to me.

slacker

i'm falling in. i can't keep it up. and in this emotional cancer, eating away at my soul with all the beautiful things, i am learning my weakness. selfish. because, as fearful as i am of it all, i am still spoiled. that's your fault too. you spoiled me.



i've been....
keeping it up
and
falling asleep
at the wheel.




amid the sad songs and glossy pages, old t-shirts and clean fresh cotton, i have found a lasting peace. i am enough to get me through. in the darkness that i am so afraid of, i find the strength to fall. the heart to let go. the peace to sleep. all is well, you all are taking care of me




this fear is about death.



i love you

mad world

for a brief moment in the concept of an entire life time something touched me. and although there have been several moments like this in my life, it has been quite some time now. and your voice filled up my heart. i wept inside. in the swirl of color, in the dark, we danced. and i felt the first hint of pain. because you see, i want to give you everything, but i don't think you want it from me. though i know the fault lies in me, please do your best to protect me from the dark i'm so afraid of. i get the feeling that it's hiding in the shadows and every now and again it stares me in the face. and the truth is, i'm not a let down to you but i am a let down all the same. and though you don't believe me, i know the truth. and jealousy kills. my mind keeps going back to the night you so desperately asked me to fall asleep with you. you had a dream of holding me. you wanted me st stay. you asked me. i miss that feeling. so i won't ask again for a while. i know you love me, but i want to hear you say it. i know i ask too much of you, but i don't cry over just anyone. i love you. will you try not to break me? will you always love me too? am i in good hands?

fender

the long stretch, the slip of road between your place and mine at 9 o'clock in the morning from behind tinted glasses is the most beautiful post sunrise morning i have ever seen. scattered on the floor beside your bed, i'm sure i left more than my clothes behind. you want it just as much as i do. and i will follow through, over and over again. but be delicate wth me, i'm more vunerable now than ever. and i am overwhelmed and spoiled. i have felt you with me all day long. and i'm hanging on to the next moment i will feel your touch. this has become something new in the course of 9 simple moments of perfection in full bodied rebellion. just don't hurt me now. i'm forgetting to breathe at the mention of the name and i am thrown with violent intensity back to floor of what is your space. and again the soft hot rush fills my body with rageful lust segwaying into an intense passion for you to love me. and how i want to shake the earth with you. while staring into those eyes so full up with both the questions and the answers, if i would only ask. what did you feel? what did you think? have i gained a portion of your heart? you take my breath away and leave me reeling, stunned, and shaking. and i already want it again. just hold me in your arms and tell me everything. because i think i need you in my life right now. it was the most amazing thing i've ever come through and it could not have been more beautiful if i had wanted it to. you have surpassed and forgone every dream in my imagination in one traveling fell swoop down my spine. so now for my sake, every chance you get, tell me you love me.

damaged

but i'm still a fighter

my bed beside the window or my day alone on campus

and i kept the lights dim
because it's beautiful
that way