tempting

that hot hot rush came over me today. in the softness of the mid-afternoon sunshine, you wraped your soul around me. the smell, the push, the look on your face. your eyes, full of questioning and wonder and great desire, shaking every inch of me. the taste of your lips. your pressure on my hip bones. starting slow, moving your way through me. i can feel your motion. a body moves. keeping time together. a hand slides to my face reminding me of the volume. you swarm around me, the world on fire. and i'm in the eye of the storm, directly in the path of its destruction. suddenly the moment shifts and i'm in control. your head by my chest, did you hear my heart? "girls would kill for a body like yours." you take your place and begin the fast hard climb to that ultimate goal. this time i remember to breath. "you're shaking." i was. hands in my hair, i am in my favorite place. the intensity of your gaze... my heart stops when you look at me that way. i think i moved you too. did you feel it? did you want it? do you want it still? i do. and in my mind i'm screaming, begging, wanting it more and more and more. and in the end, we both get what we wanted. i shook for hours. and even now i get weak. everytime it's like losing it, again and again. with all the ferocious passion and intensity and building monumental strides to pure oblivion. its a vicious longing, shaking my bones. and you comfort me, hold me, comment on my heart, my life, my love. it's all so beautiful to me. and when the end has come, i am laid out in languid splendor. i still feel the pulse, the drive, the hot hot rush. may my sleep and dreams be as real to me...

i'd love to be the death of you.... if you'll let me

an ear to the wind

am i blessed with the ability to show passion? to light flames in the heart of the already burning? and if i should run away, what would it give me? no, i will stand. i will stand and fight, even a losing battle. for my sanity and my soul are far beyond the distant shores of this violent, bloody war. i will stand and fight. i will fight the growing darkness, not become part of it, i will face the bitter winds and the bursting clouds. i will walk on, hands (yes those hands you love) clinched in darkness through the woods, headed for nowhere. i will walk on alone. if i have to. if none will go with me i will take my road alone. and i will prevail. the worst is behind me. i am leaving the city of dead streets and nightmares more horrible than you will ever imagine, burning into my sleep and haunting me for hours. that's what i've left behind me. but what i see ahead is still unclear and distant. it is here the orphan dies. i am a warrior. i will go on in this trial by fire. somewhere along this walk, i have come to think of life as mere survival. but in a death, i know it's so much more. life is at the very least fire and water and ice and snow all flowing down, liquid hot, blood black and smouldering in a passionate frezy. my body marks the story. my sight, my gaze, is the voice of years past this 19th birthday, a birthday even worse than christmas: not spent alone, but singled out. and the wind, the ever present georgia wind, is calling my name and pushing me forward, moving my feet when i don't have the strength to stand. i have a new purpose. time to put it all behind me. time to leave the fear alone. to understand it's over. to believe it. it's time to just let go. as you held me in your arms and said "angel, just let go."

it's over

one last fight in the darkness, but this time, i come out on top. it's all over now. it's all gone. i'm free. but part of me still mourns. and somewhere inside i'm still afraid, like this is all a dream and the monsters will come out of the dark in my sleep and snatch away my sanity like so many years ago. i am feeling things like never before. things like peace. i walk now into the unkown. arms stretched out to the darkening skies, embracing the maelstrom. for the first time in my life today, i saw myself with my head up, headed straight into hope. reaching out into a unique strength that gives me the spark i need to light the fuse and ignite my soul. i'm shooting off to the beautiful darkness beyond the mediocre pain that has been my life. i have never felt so alive, so sane, so freely infatuated with my life.

you know

you know when you see me. when your eyes catch mine and the blue gleam stares off into nothing and dreams of not hurting anymore. you are attuned to my pain. it's hard for me to put you through this. and i am so sorry i lied. i hope you can forgive me. but when it a wells up inside of me and the anger and hurt shine through, the lights go out, the sound comes up and i cn retreat into the music. "a million miles away" and in that moment i was. i promise to get better, if not for myself then for you. i also promise not to take it out on you or force you carry my load. just tell me what you're feeling and how you want to help. i love you.

slice'n'dice

all dolled up and no place to go.
but i'm livin the life,
every night.
but i'm waiting
for that hot hot rush to come back around.

the blood red dream

i went to bed with my hair wet, that way you don't like. i dreamed blood red dreams of how deeply you've hurt me. you broke all of your promises. my distrust is obvious. i took you off the wall, i slept in your clothes, i washed away your sins. i gracefully swayed on, trailing ash, soot, and cinder behind me. i radiated gray, blooming in all of my splendor. yes, i bloom without you. and i am learning to live in the wake of your abandon, your refusal. i don't plan to quicken my recovery from my past or my present. i will not speed up only to miss something else, i will not be zealous just for you. someone has seen my beauty. more will come to know me. i will rise above and become the glorious venus. who will love you like i did? anyone could love me better than you. because i have a brooding pain in me. because i cut my eyes, stare into the stars, and move the earth with my sighs. i am magic. they'll see.

a call to arms

"suicide, we're running out of empty.
all i have is candy bars and costumes to defend me.
and you'd say 'you used to taste so sweet.'
do i look like candy?"

take a deep breath. it can either be the breath that brings that snap of steely cold that we call reality and all of it's sobering aspects like the people we love, the things we haven't done, the places we've yet to see, the individuals we haven't met yet, or the sex we haven't had back to mind, thus providing us the reason to live. or it can be the breath that gives us the one last flooding rush we need to let our feet leave the ground, let our eyes close behind the wheel, or let that blade go just a little deeper. the question we have to ask ourselves is which one our next deep breath will be. i don't think we as people take the time to understand the impact of that breath. i've been on both ends of the spectrum. so what are you breathing today?


what a support group i have. i gave up on me a long time ago, and half of you don't even know the dark things in me, but you're still running beside me. and even now, shaking off this sleepy ache, i know that it can't be as sick as i think it is. it's all coming alive. i won't forget your love.

"god bless you all"

and i'll remember what you told me: it's not all fucked.

moving

i've been on the road. just constant moving from one failsafe to another, and the one and only night i spent in my home was full up with hurt and misery. this is not for me any longer, and i cannot keep myself from wishing i were back in that bland little room just a few feet or miles from those i love and care for. because right now i am on the edge of the universe looking out across black lakes of empty miles that cross this earth from where i am to where you are. on the way east, i tought every passing second brought me closer to my bed. closer to my rest. closer to the place i had needed to get back to. in actuality, it brought me closer to my cell, my darkness, closer to the monsters i had been fleeing. it brought me back to my private hell. and when i woke this morning in that bed, in that room, shrouded in black, i wished i was back at school with my windows open and the sweet spring air giving me peace. on my way south, i hoped i would be finding a reason to get out into the sunshine. i thought i would be coming to a place where i would not be my mistakes, but simply a girl on her way through time. instead, i was a dissapointment. so, when my time comes to head back west to my simple little room and the people who are not just my dreams (or nightmares) but are real and true and good for me, i hope that every second, every passing mile will be brining me back. bringing me back from what ever dark place i've been in. and i hope i see you when i get there.

saline and sugar

just a little poem for my fans

i crave you,
slow and intentional.
you are special and different and important to me.
you inspire flight into forever blue-black twilight
gazing into the abyss of forgotten souls
pulling out the hairs
plucking the thorns
saving me.
i shake for you
and call your name.
the heavens move, the stars fall
the rivers flood my body
like a blade upon my skin.
you splash into me
and send the hot rush bursting through my heart.
what you can do with a word
turn my head with a touch
steal my air with a sound
stop my soul with a breath,
where it stands
frozen in your shadows.
you walk the razor thin edge of a mad gray tide
balanced above the tip of my world.
and i will adore you for my namesake...

volcano

i am at a state of confusion with you, but i'm not going to be sorry for things that aren't my fauklt anymore. i am hurting and starving to death for fucking affection and you keep turning me out into the world claiming "later" but i fear later won't get here. do not make the mistake that i'm looking for a good fuck. i'm looking to be held for a second out of millions that make up a life and i am craving somone who could just let me rave and cry and scream and let it out of me because the more i keep it here, the more i want to bleed it out. a simple kind word, a moment, something. you, him, anyone, i just need to remember i'm loved. and still in all of this, i believe in you. i think you are amazing, i think you are good, and i do love you. but the point of all of this is that i need you right now. i won't take up too much of your life, just please god help me out. if you care at all, help me out. you promised to help me up.......... make it up to me already.

i love you, you are good to me, and this is not a confession of regret. i have none.

burns

my candle burns at both ends;
it will not last the night;
but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends---
it gives a lovely light

near fantastica

i don't even know what to say or do with myself today. confusion. and in the back of my mind is the constant ache of "fuck it, i'll talk about it later." so what do i gain? what do i get out of just ignoring it? because pretending not to know something's wrong won't make it go away. so yeah, my neediness is at peak levels today. but thats because something was taken from me. and granted, it's all my fault, and it always has been, i can't help feeling that i don't deserve this. so i'm in a desperate kind of mood. those are dangerous. i'd kill for someone to let me cry without telling me that it's a weakness, to hold me without being annoyed that i asked them to. you now who you are, what you've been, and how you help. so come to the rescue.

"i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me"

lycra

my tummy is churning and i'm out of prozac. and i'm ashamed of myself for the moment, but it won't last. it's a beautiful night. i'm out for blood :)

a blog before bed....

i find myself in a place where i feel angry and dissapointed. this is my life in a nutshell. maybe i'm just pre-menstral. maybe i just had a moment. maybe i'm getting better and i just don't know it. but i was always told that the people who love me will help me get off the ground if i fall. well, i fell guys, and it hurt. now we begin the familiar process of change: things won't be quite like they were before. but i am very tired and in need of reciprocation of the "i love you"s i've been giving. not finding it readily available, i go now to my slumber.

"so live that when thy summons comes to join the innumerable caravan, which moves to that mysterious realm, where each shall take his chamber in the silent halls of death, thou go not, like the quarry slave at night, scourged to his dungeon, but sustained and soothed by an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave like one who wraps the drapery of his couch around him and lies down to pleasent dreams."

last stanza of thanatopsis
william cullen bryant

it means live so that when you die, you are not afraid. live without regrets.

the wanting seed

this morning i wanted to stay in bed. i was groggy and sluggish and soaked down to the bone with apathy. my bed is increasingly less comfortable but so inviting i can't handle the choice of staying or going. i was never good at making up my mind. class: boring. not usually so dry though, this is a class i enjoy, but today it just didn't do it for me. i get the feeling like my teacher knows how out of it i've been and is cutting me slack in light of the fact that he knows how good i could do if i felt better. i don't really like that idea, but i will take full advantage of it for as long as i can because i'm lazy. the defining moment of my morning comes in group dicussion with two of my peers. "you strike me as a very intelligent person. you seem very very smart. i always thought you were a lot smarter than you let on. i think you pick your intillectual battles." and they were right. i don't bost my thinking or my knowledge, but rest assured, i am always pondering something. i'm always looking at what no one else can see. there is always something on my mind. you see i'm a dreamer and an artist. i have the secrets of the universe, i just don't share them with everyone. so come to me, express more than emotion, dream with me, and ask me to tell you everything. i will if you go first.