innocent

its funny how sundays have been days of reflection. this song is for all of you. some more than others and you know who you are. this is a song to say i'm sorry, a song to say i've been there, a song to say i love you, a song of knowing looks, a song of keeping secrets, and a song of deep connections. like i said, you all know who you are...

adia i do believe i've failed you
adia i know i let you down
don't you know i tried so hard to love you in my way?
it's easy, let it go
adia i'm empty since you left me
tryin to find a way to carry on
search myself and everyone to see where we went wrong
there's no one left to finger
no one here to blame
there's no one left to talk to hunny
and there aint no one to but our innocence
cause we are born innocent
believe me adia
we are still innocent
it's easy, we all falter
it doesn't matter
adia, i thought that we could make it
i know i can't change the way you feel
leave you with your misery, a friend who won't betray
pull you from your tower
take away your pain
show you all the beauty you posess
if you'd only let your self believe
that we are born innocent
believe me adia
we are still innocent
it's easy we all falter
doesn't matter
we are born innocent
believe me adia
we are still innocent
it's easy we all falter
it doesn't matter

just so you know

i hope your day is getting better,
remember, no matter what, i love you

thinking of you today

sweet talk

there is so much to be said. and i feel the need to say it all. there are thank you's and apologies and secrets. as the semester draws to it's end, there are things i have to get off my chest.

maggie: you are the sarastic bitch sister i wish i had and i love you for it. you take it all in stride, and i am learning from you. thanks for your encouragement, your laughs and the moments you took care of me. we share a common secret and i am glad to know you hear me. "lisa love maggie" there's much to be done next year, and i'm glad you'll be with me through all of it.

andrew: no, i don't have a penis. i know all i ever talk about is beer and porn, but just because i can go shot for shot with you doesn't mean i'm a boy. you're a real person, and my only real excuse to come to that end of the hall. here's to mucho drinkage, and a "brother" that hits on me.

lauren and john: you reached out to me and it made the difference. from a cool girl who wants to smoke with me and talk about our problems, to a quiet guy who picks me up when i'm upset and drives me down dirt roads and teaches me to funnel beer. i love you guys.

erin: sorry about the bastard. you're an awesome big, and you have so much potential in life, keep living it. i see a strong beautiful woman in you and i'm so proud to be your friend. i never told you how cool it was to me that you would drive me places, thanks for making me one of the group. by the way, your bunny rocks my face off.

taylor: a million times over you are the link to my home. bless you, your family, and your love. i'm happy that you have found someone that can treat you like i should have 3 years ago. you honestly deserve this happiness. thanks for all the coffee and tea, and trying to help me through this bullshit.

joshua: off and on, fuck you. but i am proud of you and i will be at that graduation, beaming. i love you, and you are my "angel." thanks for the memories, good and bad. i guess i've got one last "love me" for you, so maybe i'll be seeing you after all.

ruari: "god bless you all" you're my rockstar. you not only reached out in welcome, but you pulled me up as well. you are blessed, i hope you know that. thank you for saving my soul and being my therapist. never have i ever been so happy with the shoulder i was crying on. many days you rescued me, and now you've taught me to rescue myslef. how do i repay you? thanks for the parties, the talks, and the trip to rocky horror, and quite possibly the sweetest letter of encouragement via blog i've ever seen. you are one of my best friends here. i love you.

i will miss you all so much this summer. i hope i'll see your faces a bit, but if i don't happen to meet you again until the fall, it's been a wild ride of pure bliss. i hope next year will be the same. i love you all. have a good one.

"seek a life useful"

teenage dirtbag

i slept all day long. i did nothing worth while (save the way i actually started my day). i was energized and refreshed. i feel special. i feel loved. i feel alright and my days and nights get better with the weather. i'm cleaning out my heart and making room for the rest of the world. i've put it behind me. that old familiar feeling is coming back around, the steamy sticky summer, the booze, the laughter, the outrageous and never endingness of the nights. this is going to be so perfect. i'm at the height of my most wild and devilish moments on these summer nights. i'm good for nothing and i like it.

it's like listening the the cd player tape deck in the jeep on old dirt roads or chugging a beer in some pickup bed. my soul is burning. and for some reason, at the time of year, i'm the most beautiful girl alive and will have my choice of company. i'm a goddess rockstar and i will never stop.



and waking with the dawn... i'm filled with the hot hot rush

in nomine patri

seven nation army...

and today is flying by in shade. its like i'm leaking splatters of ink all over my own pages in this ABBA disco life of melted colors and perfection. fucking great day. wish everyone was like this shit. cause i'm dancing to death, the dogs are barking and the sky is bleeding in a furious downpour of sunshine. it's hot. and i'm beautiful. fuck what they say, this life is worth the living. and there's nothing i wont do to live it. i'm stepping out into it. and there aint no stopping me now. that's what to do.

so load this shit up and lets hit the water cause the days are getting longer. soon these familiar faces will be only ghosts until the fall and i will remember everything. the long saucy nights of drunken music, the cigarettes, the intillectuals, the jokes, the costumes, the dancing, the sex. it's all swirling about in a frosted tummbler and i am ready to leave this place for a little while. being any other one my own age and craving the sweaty night sky this thick humidity. i'm singing beach music. and we all just need to get laid, rest a little bit, came have a drink with the girls and party on til the five day benders seem like normality. go get in trouble all of you.

those old jimmy buffet songs and crooners on the radio, slow dance foxtrots and lets make love. i miss that hot hot rush again. but the days are so beautiful and my soul is generous. i'm singing to you all songs of poetry and well wishings in life, you all have something beautiful to offer. lets have one hell of a time.

sunday morning coming down

waking up with so little sleep, your whole body aching in such a way that forces you to move. and this whole day was sick morning after with flowing ribbons of roads sinking into the redness of night. should have gone to church. should have gone home. made myself sick over worry with how you must be feeling, and why everyone i love is falling down around me. sweating out the booze and the cigarettes and the waste away of used up passion. i'm missing you badly. i'm wanting to hear you. i'm dreaming, but it's not getting me anywhere. and he just don't love me anymore.

"on a sunday mornin sidewalk,
wishin lord that i was stoned
cause there's somethin in a sunday
that makes a body feel alone

and there's nothin short of dyin
that's half as lonesome as the sound
of the sleepin city sidewalks
and sunday mornin comin down"

gone with the wind

i didn't get to sleep til 6...

drove for hours to get back home, just a bit earlier than planned. should've stayed the extra day.

i have a suprise for you

i wanted you to see the pecan orchard that always make me think of you.
i love you.
don't hate me.

in even paris and rome and i wanna go home

i'm sick of not being able to let go and have fun and act like a kid without somebody thinking less of me for it. and i am living my own life now.... that's what you all wanted, so let me do it. maybe i'm a child now.... but my childhood was taken away from me. i'm stepping outside the world for a few days. maybe when i get back something will be better.



"i will never leave you, i will not let you down" but don't think that's a reason to be unkind

down in the river

as i went down in the river to pray
studyin about that good ole way
and who sahall wear the starry crown, good lord
show me the way
oh sinners lets go down
come on down
dontcha wanna go down
oh sinners lets go down
down in the river to pray

that voice clear as midnight comes stabbing through the thick summer air. and even in misery there is humor. just to crack open a cold one (a water in this case) with the good ole boys is an experience. to find that you're smitten with an unobtainable love object, my god what a night it's all been. it's an angelic temble like losing your virginity. and a sweet sweet bluegrass harmony. and if you pay close close attention you might see that i have alot to offer. because i'm easily infatuating, as i have been told. and one of these days someone's going to realize, there's no stopping me, i'm the death of them, and they like it all so much. what a power has flooded me in knowing that the classy girls can get some too. and i am beautiful right where i stand, washing away the sins of the day and praying for more to come in the evening. tonight tonight. and i want to see the sunrise, i want to taste the ocean, and in a fatal misguided roadtrip to a vast unknown of late nights and scarlet forgotten memories, i will be singing songs of the sea to the swelling moon at the top of my lungs is god given silence. tonights a night.... i'm out for blood.

foolish games

so i spent the last two weeks furiously playing this game i downloaded and i must say it has absolutly no point at all and it's been sucking my soul out through my mouse. i beat it today. i won. and nothing happened. gah.... there's just no point to life :( I QUIT!

last days

i'm seeing my home go up for sale, go up in flames, my memories scattering between the anrgy, vain, and too willing to please. but it's a price i'm willing to pay to say farewell to bad blood in that building. today, this easter, was most likely the last day we would all be there together. but it was okay. i'm slowly putting it behind me. and a few things were missing and it wasn't quite like "home" but even it had been exactly like i left it, it would still only have been a house to me. it hasn't been home for a while now. and i took my place today, climbing the ladder of dominant voices within my family. i sat at the head of my own table. i understand now that i am the single living tie between two separate groups of people. with that position comes untold power. and i don't even want it. i am now an adult among the new first generation of my own family. i have the say and right of my own father, maybe more than my mother, and backed by my aunt. they are all waiting in the wings to see me take my first steps. for the first time in the past 6 years, i am living my own life. i am living it for myself. i am no longer someone else's person.


easter sunday six long years ago, that's when it started. easter sunday, today, how fitting that today of all days it should end. today i let it go.

one hundred

yay me.... one hundred posts! it's sad that this is as meaningful a it is.


all i want's encouragement


soo i feel like i've been falling away from those i care for. no one's fault, just something that's happeneing. i couldn't tell you the first thing going on in any one of their lives and it saddens me. i feel like i'm not a part of it anymore. i guess i feel a tad unwanted, or maybbe just overlooked. but i don't want to be with everyone because it makes me feel better. i want to be with everyone because i care about them. and the lack of enthusiasm for the love i have to give is disheartening. but i love each of you all still. remember that. and i have promised some of you already, i will never forsake you, i will never leave you, and i will never walk out on you.


"remember me, special dreams"

tired

tired of not being enough. tired of being forgotten. tired of it all. maybe it's just time to go away. maybe i should just let it all go. maybe then somone will remember me. maybe then i'll be important. maybe then it will all just go away. would you miss me?

i am so sick of this life i've been living. i'm pouring my heart out over everything in sight. and it's nto doing me any good. because no one minds what happens to me. you're all tired of hearing my story, all tired of wanting to help. i guess i'm giving up too. i'll be leaving soon, unless i find a reason to stay. i don't care about the timing, none of you ever did.

so if this world kicks me when i'm down just once more, i swear to god i'm kicking back. i'm either going to take back my life from the rest of this shit or give to it.

i'm nearing a threshold. fuck the rescue, i'm tired of looking for something else.

but in the back of my head is a crying little girl, begging for someone to hold her.

you take it for granted. i'm not getting well, and i'm tired of fighting for the help. god please someone do something. someone save me. show me it's okay to cry, that hurting is a part of life and that i'm not a burden just taking up air. show me you love me.

i'm just so tired.

remember me, special needs

i took them off. one at a time, as if there were any other way. it's funny i only wear this disguise when i'm with those i love. because they're checking me over. looking to see what this absence has done to me. i can't seem to tell why, when it only makes them angry. they don't really want to find out, because they want it to go away. and i guess you just don't know how much time i spend with myself. i mean days go by without real human love and so little contact that nothing's really lost. not much was left to lose anyway. and this is getting so far beyond discouraging. i'm sick of the long sleeves and arm bands and uterly tired of being ignored. but what i hate more than any other thing in this unpredictably short life is being left behind. being forgotten. not being important. i'm being a martyr. but it's so unintentional that it's killing me. so let me say that this will be abrubt, when no one's looking. it will come along on the days that you think i'm fine. and even i won't have time to save me.

throw-away girl

just a new poem

throw-away girl

she sits on the step bruning her soul out in little filaments
why do you resist the sunrise?
unimportant.
the world knows she's not special.
and she forgets that she is loving.
she forgets that she is beautiful.
and every drag is solidifying
her soul is concrete
dragging her down.
paper wings can't fly
can't lift the weight.
she stares into her own oblivion
hollow.
perfect.
she smiles to resist the sunrise.
she cuts psalms into her arms
cuts arias into the evening sky.
she talks to god in hushed away tones
she cries.
and the world walks by.
the war floats on
the sky falls down.
she sings under the stars
epic songs of love and blood
she divulges.
singular.
she tells the stories
the world her secrets
and no one knows the words
her mouth is moving without the sounds
some picture filled splice together in sloppy rendition with life.
and she screams at the sunrise.
the spewing bloody sunrise, tension red and spread over wire.
she falls on the steps
arms leaking dirty water
tears all ashy of rust
she's the ghost of a girl.
she calls on lovers long gone and left in the dusty trails of midnight
throw-away girl with her hair all a mess
thrown away girl with her nails in the dirt
her skirt tails' shirt tail vermon filled
all dirty with the soot of the world.
tumultuous picture frame empty and unloved
sitting beside a pile of lonely bones.
broken-lovely girl with your flower box face
angel of the street lamps
thrown away girl
angry with flame and fury and blazing heat
heart all a-rage inferno and glory
thrown away girl
in beauty.
you believe me.
please believe me.
please believe in me.

the business of other people

i watch the paper burn down around it's knees. "turkish." a cigarette burn in the darkness. why do people busy themselves with the afairs of my being? what does my life mean to yours? if you don't know me, leave me alone. i don't understand malice. i don't get how people can be so reckless. i don't want to know you if you're going to hurt me. and it isn't fair to hurt someone out of indifference or ignorance. how is my suffering anything to entertain yourself with? it's days like today that make me lose faith in the human race. so precious few of us are truly good at heart. and those of you who are, and you know who you are.... god bless you. thank you.

different

there is no one else like me. there is no one else like you. no one like him. no one like anyone else in this world, and that's what makes it worth living in. we will never meet the same person twice... isn't that beautiful?

oh how i wish i had gone with you tonight. the first time i had seen you since the fall. i almost lost you didn't i? but to see you, see those cheekbones. to smell you and have that smell stay on my clothes all night. to hold you. i love how warm you always are. it was good for me. i know now that we're on the same page. we are closer to loving each other in the same ways than i ever allowed us to be before. and i am still crazy about you. i'm happier than anything to know that you're okay. i can't wait to see what you'll do in the world. and i can't wait until i see you again. because you're good for me. that's the best way to say it. we're good. we are that kind of epic that burns with violence. it hurts. but i wouldn't change it. and i don't know if we'll be together, but i could be happy with you. and by the way... you said "if" not "when." you've still got it for me. how i do love you.

thrift store halloween

ended by my first thunderstorm on campus

i wanna fall in love tonight

some time in the very near future i want to bare my soul. i want to show you who i'm becoming. i want you to see what my life is making me. i want to give away my deepest thoughts. i want to let go of the past. some time in the very near future i want to show you how much i love you.



i can't wait to have my own place to come home to. these dorm room walls aren't doing it for me anymore. i want some place that will be home, not just a room i sleep in. i see myself coming in and living in my space, wearing what i want, saying what i want, doing as i please, and living my own life. then i see the one thing that's missing. someone to love. someone to give my heart to. granted that act has hurt me before, but i think someone would love my heart, and i think i deserve that. i deserve to let "him" know that i won't stray, i will give all, i won't turn my back, i wont push, and i won't distrust or second guess. "he" will be happy; i will make it so. i would be sincere, truthful, and attentive. i will repay love with love and kindness with a caring and thoughtfulness few can offer. some of you know what i'm talking about. he'll be lucky. he'll be loved. i can be good for someone. i can be everything they've ever wanted. i just need the chance.

i'm longing tonight. pining. over lovers more fortunate than i. seeing those around me... healthy, happy, in love. feeling that i won't ever be good enough to be that for someone. but i know, in my deepest soul, i will make someone very happy some day.

goodnight and signing off......

and knock em down like we used to

i'm trying to understand what it is about you that is sometimes so hard for me to shake. because i hate it, and i hate myslef for it, but i still want you sometimes. i still want to hold you near me and to kiss those perfect cheek bones. i still sometimes daydream about your skin and how well you kissed me, all those long long nights of endless stupid questions and word games, the only point was to give away another secret about yourself. and still, my most unanswered question, the hardest to wrap my mind around, is why i still have flashes of you being the one for me. after all this hell, after all the shame and maliciousness, and the never ending degradation of my heart, why after all of this do i still have the feeling that i "just know" you'll come around? because i don't want you to, but i really really want you to. and that old familiar song came through today, i thought of the wind and the damp spring air of south georgia. the interstate stretch from your house to valdosta to the stadium, duck pond and back. and you looked at me with the wind flashing black strands in your face, the moon roof open... "i wanna kiss you" i wanted to kiss you too. we flew at the speed of sound into the night, and into a journey that would end nearly 5 years later. and some days it still burns and stings and pulls at my mind and makes me ache and cry for what i used to feel. what i still feel from day to day. you know everything about me, somethings i've never even told myself. you own a part of me. you forever will. you will carry some sway over some small section of my heart. you've broken my entire being twice now. i've been so terrified. im afraid i'll love you again. and some part of me keeps whispering that it won't be a bad thing if i do. and you can't hurt me any more than you have, just multiple times. and though i never want to go there again, tonight most of me would live it all over and die in the wreckage.

so tonight, and just tonight... i'm in love with you

fake

don't do that. just don't do that shit. i know better than to think you ever really cared. you're too selfishly involved with being dirty. it's only ever been about what you wanted. so how dare you tell me you're sorry or that you have any well wishing for me. you talk to me that way again and, forsaking all around me, i will walk all over your soul, bitch.

wanderlust

"do you still walk the streets at night
with that wanderlust you fight
back to the corner
where we went
our separate
ways"

i thought about it for long moments today. i wondered if you miss me at all. if something inside of you regreted it. if you wished you could take it back. as much as it pains me, and it does ever so constantly, you can't. you can't change it. but i do miss you sometimes. i wish i could hear you say what i always wanted you to. you never stopped. not once. i knew i was a time killer. but i was happy being your favorite thing to do. and i miss so much knowing that. but mostly today i wondered if you had these moments too. moments when you glance back and see me, right where you left me. no longer waiting for you to come back to that spot, but now waiting for someone else to walk with. and when you do make it back around (and i am sure you will) will you be sad that i'm not there to love you with all the unquestioning desire of a young southern girl? and will we ever meet half way even so very swiftly ever again? it's not a thing i hope for, nor now a thing i protest. but i have to admit, my biggest fear is never seeing you again.

death camp

it hit me like a train.... the walls closed in. it was like being smothered in the open air. but then i remembered, i'm not a locomotive... i'm a sunflower.

liar

they all ask me.....

i tell them....

i'm lying


i'm not okay. but if you ask me, i won't tell you so....

why not?

i'm never going to be that for someone.........



what's so worng with me? is there not enough passion? do i not have the beauty? am i just too ordinary? why can't i be magic too? it seems no matter the situation, i just can't seem to be enough for any of them. do i just try too hard? do i not give enough? why can't you just once look at me and see someone worth the time? there will forever be some reason, usually in the form of some other someone, much more intense or smarter, or just all around better than me.

"any boy would be lucky to have you." thats a lie. it's a lie because i've only ever heard it from the ones lucky enough to know they could have me..... they just didn't want me.

in the span of a month i have come to realize he'll never love me like that (at least he's admitting it now), and that the cycle of not being enough will keep on going. "you could have any boy you wanted." coming from the mouth of the one i could never seem to get, thats a slap in the face.

and my ultimate response.... "all my life, all i've ever wanted was for someone to love me like i love them..." but in all my wasted effort, i just can't seem to be what anyone wants.

and i find him infatuating. unlike the world i've known. even with his flaws. and i've given what i've wanted to, but his heart will never be mine. and my heart won't stay within me... he's getting it, little by little. but i don't think he wants it. i don't think he wants me. and he sees past the pain. he adores the broken scared little girl and holds her in her nightmares when her hands are tight in the dark.

but still i don't think he'll have me. and joshua was right.... it's the baggage. no one wants to fall in love with a girl like me. the worst part of it is, i think it's my fault.

so, at the end of all of this, i've just come to understand that somone will always be better for them than me... some other girl will be more (insert what they're looking for here) than i ever can be. they love me. he loves me. just not like they/he loves all the other "her's" in the world.








waiting for the day that i'm special