write my name somewhere safe

and i just don't want to hurt anymore. so someone keep me safe. because i feel like my skies are falling. i feel like this world is ending. i don't want to want to die anymore. it's taking the life from me. i don't want to be strong anymore. and i want to tell you everything, but you have to take care of me. i can't do this alone. this pain is deep. it's killing my soul. and i feel more than ever singular, alone, and so fucking helpless. it's making me sick. and you just keep pleading for me to hold out a little longer. i am so scared to say that i don't think i can. and yes, i do want this to stop. because i feel like tears are wasted on me. and i'm so close to it it scares me. and i have these nightmares. i have these haunted thoughts of places i don't want to go. and i have lost my meaning. and even someone being good to me scares me. that's what my life has become. it's wrecked and i just want it all to go away. because i'm here now, and the saftey is gone away. and i don't want to dream these dreams. the monsters in my closet scare me. end, lights out, gone, over. but i can't. you would be sad without me. tell me. please keep me here. keep me safe. i'm holding on, i'm being strong like they all ask of me. but i'm slowing down, i'm getting tired of holding this weight on my heart. i can't hold out much longer.
i want to die today

spill canvas

and in this world, it's all of you and me....

"Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not as they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world

Excuse me sir, but I had plans to die tonight
Oh and you are directly in my way
And I bet you’re gonna say it’s not right

My reply
Excuse me miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you’re talking to

She said I don’t care you don’t even know me
I said I know but I’d like to change that soon hopefully
Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
See the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died

My reply
Trust me girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice
Instead of dying living with me

She said are you crazy you don’t even know me
I said I know but I’d like to change that soon hopefully
Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
See the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliché motivation it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do
My offer stands and you must choose

Alright you win but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you will never see it coming
Said oh precious I know what you are going through
See minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
See the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets"

letters to precious

pretty boy,
my one hope is that all those things you don't know yet will be enough to change your mind. not planning, not fighting. without agenda or motive. do you know that it's hurting me? you tell me about this good that you see in me, show me. and it's hard thinking that infatuation is the best i will ever get. why is it so fucking hard for me to believe that i will be enough? i still have faith in you. so let me get this out of me, please don't run. i am falling in love with you. and i am so outside. and honestly i'm am terrified of being hurt one more time, because i've gotten that from the world, i don't want it from you. and yes, i feel unworthy, and yes i feel like i want someone to hurt with me. i am selfish. i want to be your own. that's how i want you in my life. how do you want me in yours? and these songs are about it. i scan every word, praying for some sign that you're writing about me, thinking of me, wanting me. because i can make you happy. i just want that possibilty. all i've ever wanted was to be someone's priority. i have such little faith in love, teach me differently. you don't understand what he's done. you don't understand what they've all done. and i want to be so much more for you. and i'm sorry that i can't be. so, with that said, and again without agenda: lets play this by ear. just know that i want to be with you. the ball is in your court now. i love you.

vanity

ah for the moments of short hair, couches, and bluegrass

redemption songs

some new poems i found in an old notebook... enjoy
by the way, my spellcheck is broke, get over it.

one last song for the dying

four days straight augusta weather,
and i'd scratch my throat with a gun barrel.
anybody would.
thick pollutant hatred. love, lust,
and the thrill of the blue lights
drunken wino, skidrow Broad Street
downtown nowhere.

how can you live with your purely unadultarated rage?
breaking wicker baskets over drainpipes
and calling yourself beauty?

there is a living, breathing pain in me.
growing slow like saturday afternoon
old ladies, old hats, musty but free.

i am a boozehound.
broken chainsmoker on the edge of oblivion
screaming your name into white foam oceans
and harvesting dead things at my feet.

lone soldier beat poet
on lonely open roads
with God's sweet grace written on the moon
like pages in my diary, stained with your tears.

and if Jesus were here with me,
he'd tell me to stop recycling my words
into unfamiliar sagas of epic and enrequited love.

lonely, dying world
aching dull in my spine like magnolia gin blossoms
on courtside sillohettes.
dirty, dusty south filling up my lungs
and i'm screaming forgiveness at a sign post.

road home in silence.
reciting my life backwards like subliminal tea parties
and adolecent nightmares.
dirty, damned augusta
with your filthy, muddy river
harbinger of my quieted fury.

one last song for the dying
and two more for the road.
broke both my ankles on the way over
and still managed to dance on your doorstep
three point waltz turn.
melancholy in red.

drug my soul through thornbushes and bullrushes
just to abandon the weight of the world on my shoulders
break myself for despariging obscenities
if it would ease my hurting mind.

untitled

and if you scream, you scream
and i am vindicated
so forgive me for my blunt rejection.
i will not bow and scrape and make my peace with this world.
i will die fighting the air in my lungs and climb up to the stars to be with God.
you will not break my bones with this hypocrytical masqurade and blythe demeanor of gentil society.
sociological downpour.
get off my shoulders, you're not welcome here.
you come into my home and beat my children. rape my concept of real life, real world.
what it's like outside my window.
stop making me a vantage point.
your trail of destruction rivals my own:
vastly private outcry, dying souls, and mourning lovers
the pointed difference being, i only hurt myself.
do not victimise me, i'm not defeated yet.
you are not real. you are my frightened, screamig nightmare.
let go of my wings, you may break them.
coward. afraid of your own equalities.
stop beating my down, you're pissing me off.
i'll snap your neck in three places.
i've become you to prove a point.
you will never be the soul i am.

my poetry

how dare you tell me
howtowritemypoetry?
who are you to put form to art and structure
to prose?
i-t i-s n-o-t y-o-u-r place.
place NOT your o_w_n...
i will write the way i write THE
SIZE i write
tHe
WaY i
WrItE
in my own time, place,
and words.


response

are you in love with me or just infatuated? cause you've got me screaming in the shower to the tune of stale cigarettes and the way you used to taste. get in with you? gladly. just to see your face and pretend it's okay to still want you. i can't see straight and you're holding me down moking it okay. but i'd sleep nakes on your bed if you'd just go down on me. so i scream. shake painful sharp if you would answer me. we are death poets beautiful similar in songs. but you know you still want me and, if you'd let me, i'd shake the foundations of hell for you. wading into oceans of blood and black. you owe me a trip to the beach. and you're feeling me up for forgiveness. broke down the guitar and pushed you inde of me like a disease. but i still love you. so come dance with me sweet disposition and tragic. there are words on the shelves above me and i can't read them till you help me. the deaf leading the dumb and the blind. but it's okay, you're just the best thing for me. so when i wake up on your doorstep just let me and hurt me, i need to be that kind of beautiful. you're killing me but i love it so come back and make the words of blue light rhapsody retreat and crawl away under my skin.

....guess what my favorite line is in each one and let me know....

and i can't wait to come home

what will this world do with me when all this is over? it's hard to say what this feeling is in me. this has been a quiet christmas morning. i opened the last of my gifts alone. God bless my father's family for making me wait till the morning to open their gifts. it gave me something to wake up to. lunch with my daddy. reminds me of how much i respect him. the only other person i've seen today. and somewhere south of this town, my family members are gathering for a meal. they are watching my baby cousin play with the toys santa brought him. and i'm missing it. i'll make my coffee, or maybe hot tea, i believe it's a hot tea day today. and i will sit in my bed, in my clean, comfy bed. i will draw, maybe write, i could paint even. i will wait for someone to come home. then i will remember that i didn't clean up some of the boxes and paper. there will be yelling. and fussing. tomorrow, i will take down our tree again alone. i will remember my grandmother and the way the house used to feel. the warmth. i will remember long trips with my father to see the christmas lights. open fires, marshmellows, carols, the reading of the christmas story. i will miss the way it used to be. but we're all falling apart. so i'm turning to my friends. i would kill to sit around a fire with my friends and laugh. to be held close and cherished. to escape the world i'm in today. i can't wait to get back to all of you. soon. but for now, know that you are all in my thoughts. maybe i want to hug you, laugh with you, or break out into song with you. there are the one's i want to lie down with and make fun of the world with, pratice my sarcasm with, create inside jokes with. one i want to get under some mistletoe, breathe in, hold, ask dumb questions, and fall in love with. you all know who you are. you're all making this worth what it takes. maggie, you are my laughter. scott you are my protector. ruari, you are my ambition. asa and steven, you are my trust. amber, you are my always. ariana, you are what i miss. josh, you are my memory. lexi, you are my war. you are all much more than what's listed here. i'm grateful for you all, you're the best christmas present i have. merry christmas. i love you.

war is over...

christmas eve. moments from christmas day. there will be no visits from santa, no gifts under my tree int he morning. my family opens gifts on christmas eve. no problem. or it wasn't when i got maybe 2 gifts and the rest on christmas morn with the cookie and milk missing and the lingering hope that there was still magic in the world. it started last year. my family gave in on the charade and no longer put forth the effort of santa. they gave up on magic. i'm starting to think that's what happens when you grow up. i look at these people. we're happy. but we're not happy. we just don't know the difference. or they don't. this has been a hard christmas. my mother hasn't benn home in 2 years. in this time of joy, love, and togetherness, i have felt alone. i have felt cold, hurt, tired, and sad. but worst of all, i've felt like a burden. it sucks that this wasn't a great holiday, but i'm terrified i've ruined it for everyone else. but i'd have to give myself a lot of credit if that were true, so i doubt i have. to be honest, i'm getting the feeling that people have stopped trying. i worry that people will stop trying to reach out to me. it's not that i'm rejecting or not getting better, it's just that i'm going slowly. so please whoever's out there, don't give up on me too. i'm worth it, i know i am, so please believe me, stay. since today is christmas, i think we should all get a wish. my wish is to be wanted. that's all i've ever wanted for any gift. the feeling that somone wants me. maybe i'm selfish. maybe i'm just hurting. maybe this is a wish i'm not supposed to ask for. but i'm asking. i don't know how simple, extreme, or meaningful your wishes are today, but i hope they all come true for you. so to all of those i love, merry christmas.

but it was beautiful....

drunk. all of us. hookah bar, cheese sticks cause i'm still hungry after dinner. it's an hour's drive to the ocean. the mighty atlantic. strike out 2 a.m. dark, cold, open road. the sky is firmament. stars are falling, i wished for you. haunted. water, ageless, black. lumination dancing in the waves. eerie. the sand is frosty like a huge pane of cold glass. food at 4. on the road by 5. quiet. still. nothing. void. the sky is quiet. the air is frozen. the world is dying. 6 a.m. arrivals. too tired to sleep. body hurts, can't breathe. watched it all die for nothing. the sun rises. three of us, exhausted humility and laughing. just laughing. i have been to the edge of the earth and back. the kind of laughing that fills up the deep winter night and brings on the dawn. shivering, sick, desperate. never so young, never alone as much i was then. surrounded but alone. i was thinking of you. i saw the death of the world. but it was beautiful....

i'm not getting paid for this gig

i'm ill today. and other things, but let's not play the problem. i feel like my heart in is my pocket. at least my mommy called me. the two greatest books i've kept are water damaged. but it's surprising how uplifting HANSON can be... lol, yeah i said it. i STILL like hanson! my voice hurts and i coughed up blood today. but i feel healthy-ish. i cooked. feels good to cook. it was yummy too, my life has meaning again. had the girls over for some shots.... none were taken. sad day. now one is in the hospital dehydrated from some virus... hope i don't get it. hope she feels better. MMMMBOP! sorry, i had a moment there. by the way, i'm losing my mind. or i feel that way. just need to get out of here for a while. i need to get away from my life. i'm scared today. that's what this feeling is. it's fear. probably from the nightmares i had this morning. but i'm optimistic. and hopeful. like this: http://www.deviantart.com/view/26027600/ hope it makes you smile. this is me today. i love you all. call me.

"do you mind if i change first?"

i was lying in the bath, head under water. with my eyes open. i watched candles float across the blurry surface. i listened to my heart beat through the water. that strange aquatic noise. and i thought of my life. i miss my mommy.

mama, i need you. i forgive you. and i know you can't come home. but you've left me like a child, not comprehending why you had to go. i don't blame you for what has happened to me. but there are monsters in my closet, and i need you to save me. i am not the pictures, not the paintings, not the beauty of who i once was. who i once could have become. you left her there, that child. she couldn't save herself. but you could not have known. she's grown up afraid. every moment afraid. mama, where are you? couldn't you see the pain in her stride? the way she held herself? my very last moments of glory, all i could do was keep my head up. i am your child. and now forever to be. he's made sure of it. shall i ever grow up? i thought so long, so long. if i had been more, would you have stayed? the breaking point and origin begining of every moment for everyone who has left me since that one. well, if you knew, would you think? could you have saved me from this if you had stayed? but i won't tell you. you won't have to know, just please come home.

so tell me a bedtime story. won't somone tell me their story? maybe then i won't cry myself to sleep.

words, words, words

some personal poems. most are old, i haven't written in a while. but i feel inspiration my be on it's way (wink)

junkie

i want you so much i'm free-basing you in a dark alley somewhere.
secluded and cold.
you're like a drug, and i'm addicted in the worst way.
you wreck me. but you get me off until my nose bleeds.
i crave you, slow.
and then, you go speeding,
ripping trough my veins like a bullet.
you're rhythmic, i dig it.
time me off, take it to the hilt till my mind tightens,
like a much needed champagne high.
you leave holes in me.
and then you crash, strung out, like a speeding car wreck. you wake up,
closer to midnight than dead to alive,
half quarter till morning.
you are a scar i can show for the price of "free love."
i'd kill for you.
leave me on the street, next streetcar named desire, junkie
selling her soul for your heroine kiss.
there is no cure for you

untitled

and i've tried and it hurts and i don't want to be here anymore.
i want it all to end, the swirling masses of unknown unforgettables,
the tanget to my life.
i'd cut myself open and crawl out of the wreckage.
what i would do to find some rest. i am so envious of you.
what i want to do is die, and die happy.
forgive me.
it's time to fold, just hold out till summer, but i need to be more.
and summer's come and gone.
and fill up my heart with the empty in my head.
i am in beautiful pain.
poet's tree and music, yes. a death song.
3 a.m. friday.
would you make it? go away?
scratch into my soul, my heart?
my eyes to beget mournful tears?
my arms to bleed?
and still i feel so stupid.

exposition lime green

you are an artist.
sarcasm, exposition lime green perfect.
you run my stitches out. but this poem is not about me, it's you.
you are musical sprawling countryside lingo in truly unheard refrain.
a muse, a master.
you are clenching fightwars in bloody headstrong armageddon.
my tequila shot red summer sunrise,
my marital bliss.
you scream and break my heart.
this poem is interrupted, shitty.
but i am so sick with everyone's well wishing.
they want to see you love me, there won't be.
so i put you aside to forgive me.
not belonging to me or this great wide land that is our own.
you are yours and dangerous, an angel
so lovely.
find me, you love me.
cut yourself on love and convenience.
do you mourn me? my illegitimate love?
you are a poet.

biology 101 (this is for you, i think you know who you are)

blood flows out of me like water and i recall you.
fondly.
spirit flows out of me like wine and i am amassed.
shivering, shaking, and covered in flame.
sip of coke and slip into your universal fingertips.
borrowing from literaries who will never know my name
i am greater than my mourning and grateful for my pain.
i will, i shall turn myself inside out and walk the streets
and haunt your dreams because what makes the world love words,
makes me love your mouth.

i welcome your comments

vunerable all-knowing

sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would kill for this
sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would....
sing me something soft,
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything...

constantinople

please tell me what you daydream. tell me why your smile warms me so much. tell me why the sound of your voice brightens my day. why am i thinking of you? i do miss you. i do. so much. to know that you're thinking of me makes me smile, that smile you love so much. and i'm glad that i'm a distraction. i think you're beautiful. i think you're special. and i'm bursting inside to talk to you, see you, be around you. so smile because you're driving me crazy. and i like it.

rap-sody in blue blue blue: josh-ua's song

but you will never, never find what i wanted to give you. funny how much this hurts. it's been a long time coming, but you could have said goodbye. and i can't even cry for you. because i know how much time i've wasted crying. you're not worth this to me. not anymore. i don't deserve the pain. my words to you are short and few: i will always love you. you are always welcome in my home. you are not welcome in my heart. now to the world. i'm hurting. i'm screaming and fighting this weakness in my soul. it will always haunt me. that's what wounds do. but enough of the pain, i'm going to get better.

the lights are glowing and the books are smouldered ash. your words. your heart. you lie. and i will suffer for you no longer. the glint of your smile in the summer nightlight moonshine, too drunk to say congratulations. i'm not your baby anymore.

i'll understand if it's too much to ask, but you said you'd be here if i needed... well i need you now, please come. you should know that you make me feel the most beautiful anf most wanted i have in more than months, so if it's not too much to ask, could you take care of me for a little while?

cotton candy

me: i'll write what i damn well please.

to the boy: another promise broken, you're a liar. another heart is broken. i hate being angry at you. but these demons i will save for a rainy(er) day. don't touch me. you make me feel dirty. you make me feel ugly. why don't i make you happy?

to him: when you call me beautiful, i want to bleed. praying in the water to slip, so i won't face the guilt of having done it myself. and i open my eyes. "don't do that you'll go blind." you're afraid. for yourself. for what you've done to me. why don't i make you proud? why is the very ground bleeding?

my christmas wish: for you to hold my hand.

today

today is that day. it's gray, the clouds are low. it's wet outside, and cold. it's beautiful. you look out across the vast of the thickening, living, tangible air and it's so heavy out you can feel it when you breathe. it's solid. miles of crisp open humid and bitter to the bone. these days are winter. the bare naked beings against quieting brooding skies. the air swims around you. and it's funny how selfish we can be. but it's all blurry, strange, and beautiful. like watercolors smearing their way across the pages of the world. and amid this promise of peace a shattering silence. an anger. when you think you've got it down, the world come back to life. when your life is no longer your own. he's dying. and he will take you down with him. when he knows you have to escape, he's barricading the door. the rain comes screaming. the snow won't fall. the clouds come lower, it's going to be cold. and the sky is so gray. today is that day.

love, actually

but i don't think he does anymore. and i've given it all i think i can. he makes me forget the good in me. how could somone love you if they make you forget that you're happy? if they make you forget that you're worthy? because the fact is i don't feel worthy with you. i don't feel pretty with you. i don't feel happy with you. only half of the time. you hurt me. and i'm afraid you've ruined me. and i'm afraid my life is catching up with me. you're worse than my past. at least i knew that wasn't my fault. maybe they were right when they said i was broken. maybe you're still breaking me. maybe this will never be better. i just feel so unwanted. and unimportant. and silent. suffering technicolor bloody hell. you can be so cruel. and you don't love me anymore. you've told me you're tired. you're tired of me. but where do i go where i'm wanted? where is that? because when i find that place, i am never coming home. all i want is for someone to want it to be better. won't anyone try to save me?

and i feel.... longing

Hold me even though I know you're leaving
And show me all the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've gotta hold me and show me now
Give me just one part of you to cling to
And keep me everywhere you are
It's just enough to to steal my heart and run
Then fade out with the falling sun
Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've gotta hold me and keep me now
Tell me how someday you'll be returning
And maybe, maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone
Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've gotta hold me and maybe I'll believe..
So hold me even though I know you're leaving.

and it's true. and they are. and i want to hear it because it will make today better and that's the world when today is all we have. biting my lip until it bleeds won't get me anywhere. it will only give me the taste of blood. i'm too terrified to speak. every word comes down with harsh condemnation. condemnation or a questioning. yes something is wrong today. no i don't know what it is. please help me. what the hell is wrong with my world today? why am i so alone in the presence of those who love me? and i just want so much to be held. and i just want it to be okay just for today. and i just want someone to want to hold me, make me happy, want me. and i don't want to be needy but god help me, i am. and i am terrified that it will annoy you. so i'll sit here, screaming. and praying that what's eating me on the inside won't find it's way through.

...

somehow those words that you say, they make me much less lonely

he pressed. furious. slicing his fingers and still i adored him. i came climbing out into a new world. and now here i am am alone. covered and aching and sweating. the lights flickered. she screams, i scream. today is lost in reckless abandon. there is not hope of reclaiming the light, it is past, dead. but there is vibrant hope for tomorrow. and they call me. i breathe. i'm having dreams of you. and though i know i don't need to say it, i miss you.

me and my star

slipping through the darkness of a country road, filled to the brim with four of the loudest souls all heaving in disarray to the motionless night. my allies, my confidants, each of us screaming odes to brilliant foreverness into the winter night sky. and amid the confusion of blissful chaotic reverie, the beam. the flashing death of an article of an ion of brilliant fire, fading in burn-out supernatural against the black. the sparkler dim crackle tail dying in a blaze of evanescent glory. chemical. through kerouac clouds of haunted wisps. i wished, silently. selfishly. inner satisfied and no external reportation. and granted. in the words of "i miss you." my wish came true in you. in knowing that i am, in the least, on your mind. you got your dream, i got my wish. and i'm still thinking of you. and i still can't stop. so if this time you wish, then i will be the one to dream. i hope i see your face. i miss you.

i meant it when i said it was the best thing that happened since i got there. i mean now when i say it's the best night's sleep i ever got. and you think it's easy to read but it's not. my head is swimming. and i'm so confused, all i know is i like it. i like it. i like you.

on sleepless roads

i was driving home while the sun was setting in my mirror. the death red of a beautiful winter sun stretched out in endless abandon. i thought of you. i thought of your face, the way you feel near me, the sound of your voice in the morning. but i wondered to myself "does he really think of me? did he spend a day rolling over images of me in his mind? was i all he was thinking of? was he telling the truth?" the fact is i believe you. i know that you did. but did you today? yesterday? will you tomorrow? and overall, the most lingering question is "does he want me to think of him?" do you mind that i'm haunted? do you wish i wouldn't recall you? or are you thinking of me? for now, just remember the way i cut my eyes, the sound of my voice, and most of all my smile.

firstly

i suppose this will only be read by those who know me so i won't waste the time explaining my personality traits or why i'm even creating a blog. if you don't know me, then you should email me and maybe we will find out more about each other. Now, why i'm really here.

this morning at 4 am i woke up to hear the climax of my ex-boyfriend's housemate having sex with a guy i once had a fling with. both of these people have serious issues and make the worst couple... ever. i was taken by serious suprise when she blurted out to him "i love you" and he answered back. they both began to cry. who am i to judge other people's happiness? i can't say if they do love each other, but it's hard to see that being true. what really stayed with me though was the idea of being loved in such an intense way. i could only think, "why not me?" i wanted to be loved completely, even just for the moment. i wanted to be beautiful and needed and safe. but i wasn't. i was alone in the next room wishing i could go back to sleep with the idea that someone needs me. but then i had a dream. and though the dream left me wanting, it filled me up with a hope. i saw the smile of someone who is trying so depreately to make me believe i am as pretty as i think he is. so this face in the dark, the one so fashioned in my mind since i met its wearer, is haunting me. but i don't want it to stop. i cannot look at your face and feel frantic, scared, or alone. when i look at your face, i feel like i'm in the home i never had. so say all you want that you are not magic. i believe you are. so thank you, to the one who is making me beautiful. i hope i see your face again soon.

i am trying to find what it is you see in me