losing it

and it wasn't how i planned. but i couldn't be happier. a baby step in the direction of my dreams and finding myself. on a day so lazy and beautiful. even now it washes over me. all my scars can serve me. and in one simple afternoon i found peace. what was it like? everything i've ever needed to feel, and all the love i never got. it's made up for now. and for a little while, i'll be happy. forget the future and the woes of life for now. settle precious.

still there are moments of fear. i'm so scared. i am standing on the cusp of something wild. my life is wide open in front of me. i am making my first steps alone and i'm afraid to go solo. my only hope is that the ones i love will be a few steps behind me.

no regrets.

drink up baby down

how do i begin to say what you mean to me? you are changing my life moment by moment, but just because i'm ready to begin being happy doesn't mean i won't need you anymore. i'll need all of you, so please be there in my moments of weakness. i promise to try my best to remember you love me.

the way you hug me and look at me and touch those hands you love, the way you listen and know how the world is bearing down on me. how you sing to me. you see this deep deep pain that breaks me apart. you see all the injustice, the darkness, the opposition that makes me ache. and you stand beside me and pull me away from the edge.

all i want is to keep you. keep you near me. because i'm safe there. because you saw yourself in me. and you're begging me to let go. and there is a peace in me now so new that it's almost frightening because of the uncertainty of whats going to happen. i am better for having known you.

you hurt with me and for me. that makes the difference. you are the best thing to happen to me in a long time. i spent so much time being afraid that i almost forgot what happiness is. there is no thanking you. just promise you'll never leave.

i love you.

slow motion red summer sunrise driveby

the whole world was beautiful today. the sun loves me, the wind kisses me, the air moves me. "i believe everything you say" and i swear to cherish you. self actualization has begun in me. and you are an inspriration. "i hope you take a piece of me with you"

i love you

it's like walking with the wounded

"you're an angel in the pit with your hands in the air"

no regrets. put your soul at rest, you're watching after me and everything is well. no matter the outcome of anything in this life, there will always be hope. and maybe, just maybe if i can see the love people are giving me, i'll love myself too. and then i won't forget the best moments that made life worth living. i'm bright eyed today at the curious wonder of it all, thanks to you. i'm getting back my faith, just don't let me down. i'm bonded to you, and have been since i saw you. you will always belong to a part of my heart and i love you for keeping me safe. you are the first beautiful person i've known in a long long time and i am so glad i know you. i'll never be able to put you in words, but i'm learning to be okay with that. "i wanna kiss you" and tell you your are wonderful.

"my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of... touching you"

sad songs

and i wanted to tell you that i love you but i don't think you want to know that. and you can be so unpredictable. you're not careful with me like you were, and i'm too breakable for that. i tried to tell you, but you didn't hear me. and you must hate me sometimes. i can't stand to feel this sorry, i didn't do anything wrong. and i will regret saying this later, but i don't think you want to be there for me anymore. i don't blame you. so if you want me to go away for a while, just say so...




forgive me

i'm a dreamer

and last night they were of you....

please get out of my head....

because my dreams don't come true....

not ever...

but if you still care...

let me know...

a powerful weapon

you still do things to me you know...

and i daydreamed about you today...

and i want to feel you hold me...

touch my face...

move my hair...

see you look at me...

and feel your lips on mine...

so soft and gentle...

i want to kiss you so so badly...

i miss your bed today...

it's all i'm thinking of today...

you still do things to me you know...

do i do them to you?

please don't leave me

i can't tell if i'm still special

please forgive me

i'm afraid you won't love me anymore

daydream believer

i hope, every now and then, you still daydream about me. i hope you will forgive me. i hope you will remember everything you like about me. and most of all, i hope you hold me again

i am not afraid

i am slowly coming to terms with who i am. and it's painful sometimes. because i know how weak i can be. and i am starting to understand what this world is really like. i'm watching people i love turn out to be different people than i thought i knew. i'm becoming even more vunerable (if you can believe it) but, i'm a "smart girl" in the words of my friends. so it's not so much discovering that you can't trust everyone as much as it is believing it. and at this moment i wish i were someone else. something beautiful. but please don't think i'm stupid. i know whats going on and i know that you're a liar. but think of the things i haven't told you. where i've been, who i know, who makes me bite my lip like you do. so you bring her home to visit you. i've caught on to you. i know how to play the game, and thanks to you i'm really really good at it.

stay on my side tonight

i truly believe it's going to be okay for me one day. because i want it to be. with everything in my being, i want it to be okay. and i think you do too. so even having done some wrong to the ones who love me, i will take comfort and rest in knowing that you'll always have my back. thank you, you've done more than you know. i wish i were better to you. i love you, you know...




"and all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how. because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me. and after all, you're my wonder wall"

the quiet things that no one ever knows

i want to be part of something epic

art show

today is a good day....

i saw the art show. i saw a face in the wire tree and it made me feel less ashamed of where it is i've come from. i saw rails and towers rising from the waters and it reminded me of jumping into the river two summers ago. it all reminded me so much of home, but (for those of you who know what my home is like) only the good parts. it reminded me of highschool football, which in my home town is a religion. and i keep thinking of those long lazy drives down Herndon on sunday afternoons. full up with chinese food and soul. the car packed with contented teenagers just looking for no place to go. i'm usually in the backseat because we never take my car. the music was worth driving for. in the latter stages it moved from tiny dancer to maroon 5. and we just sat. sometimes we sang. but mostly we stayed still and took in the yellow of the spring time afternoons or the rust of fall. we took those curves with so much ease, it always seems like we were driving just a little too fast. maybe that was the begining of realizing that we didn't want to live there anymore. and then we park at the old Buckhead Church. this was our goal. get out, walk around, go to the grave yard maybe down to the creek. walk some dirt roads and film your own memories. like the time todd got smashed in the head by a falling branch. sit on your car, smoke a cigarette. laugh a little. then another ten miles to the academy, read the spray paint on the walls. probably break some glass. get back in the car, sing all the way home. maggie, julie, jimmy, rachel, and me. and the next weekend, go out to the bridge and jump in. take pictures of everyone mid flight. drink a little. have a good time. go out to the field and "sled." the dumbest sport you can imagine and yes i did do it. and i hate to admit it, but i miss those days. i hate being home, but i miss when i didn't have so much to worry about. so, when it gets warm... i'm going home to the boro. i'm driving out to wadley. i'm finding that bridge and i'm jumping in. and i'm taking all of you with me.

my life is brilliant

it was so cold last night. the kind of cold that sinks into your bones and hurts. but the night was absolutly stunning. the city lights radiated into the dark and made me feel so alive. the sound of traffic and laughter stopped all the rush. it was a night to be held quite closely. and we all partied through the city. i felt like a child. i felt free. and the timing couldn't have come any closer to perfect if i had planned it myself. you played my song. so, hungry, sleepy, and lonely, i returned home and sweated all night. there is a certain something about 5 in the morning that i rarely see or understand. i don't know how to put into words what one simple night did for me. but speeding through the downtown lights with someone i trust as much as those i was with can only be described as right. it was all so right. and i sat with my back to the glass and sang to myself. "god bless you all." so a big fat thank you for taking me away from this place, just one good night of something i needed. i haven't felt so pretty in a long long time. i can't express the overwhelming love of what it is i'm feeling. you've done such a good thing for me.

telemarket mishap

"you have your own life i know, but show up you should"

count the vomit stained sidewalk after thursday nights in milledgeville. i swear you're beautiful. when will you leave this all behind again? when will you become the next to get too tired of it? i'm setting all this free. my body only goes so far. pulled over 18 years of just wanting to find a place to belong, and not have to run from it when i get to be to much for them. "i'm so sorry" but the bruises on my soul just keep getting bigger with every breath and every new person who decides not to love me. the places on my walls are wanting to be filled. i'm so tired of bleeding. i'm tired of being strong. and i'm not unhappy, just lonely. profoundly lonely in the most direct and singular sense of the word. and i'm not who or what i once was. spending days and nights alone, i swear it's just so freezing. but i'm afraid to ask for company.

"and you miss me, you can't mean that"

request of the day

cause i believe in...?

unequivocal

first new poetry in a while... i feel a litte proud


i will walk a line across this world,
sing straight to your heart,
and shake the very ground you walk on.
i will move you.
i will love you.
you will never see anything so beautiful
and you will shake in the aftermath of wanting me.
you cut your lips on me.
and when you see me you will know me.
you will hear me.
you will believe in God.
he will drag you across me like a razor blade,
strung out for days until all you can do is taste me,
believe it.
because the moon is riding in blood,
hot with calling your name to me.
the success of a body lies in me.
you become me.

than do this....

i'm never going to escape my fear and mourning. i can't embrace it, it will consume me. and in the moment i wanted to speak, to be okay, to share and to live, to escape it, i couldn't. the voiceover to my life. i feel so ugly some days. inside. and the scary part is that i know how much i hate myself. and i know what i'm capable of. so here's what worries me: i truly had at least three deeply sincere moments of wanting to die today...

can we get clean again?

the sound came around me. i've never been so happy and so ready to die at once. i saw this dream where i was dying, but i was not afraid. i faced my death. the sound throbbed. it peaked. it spoke. i knew my end. and in the night i came up screaming. the sound was so beautiful. it rode through me. and i kept going back to that hearing you say "let go." i'm trying. and the soundtrack to my life now has your songs in it too. and this music gets inside of me. down into my bones. and i'm almost bleeding. so i'm ringing in my ears, singing in my soul, mournful, beautiful. and i believe in this sound. it's going to save my soul

one fell swoop, calling it out, and a simple thank you

this is so addicting. speaking of, i smoked too much last night. but god bless you for being there anyway. and believe me, love, it's you keeping me sane today. i hate these mornings, i wake up, can't find my car. remembering the night before, the hysteria and down right laughability of certain moments. and these dorm room walls that i waited so eagerly to get back to seem a prison today. and it's so cold, i'm shivering in my sleep. and i am this running current of dripping mortality so fragile just beneath the surface. but all in all i can't complain, this is still better than being home. because when i'm home.... i'm not allowed to feel this way. but i'm actually pretty happy today. there is the ever present need to still be held, but i'm not sure that goes away.

----
and if you think you know what's best for me by telling me i should act happy, blow me. so i'm rude sometimes, so i'm sad, so i'm a whore, so i'm attention hungry... i'm sure we all have been there before. (and you know what, i don't regret it) the ones that really love me love me for it anyway. but acting isn't going to help, it will just create the lie. and i won't lie to myself, so i'll act happy when i feel happy, don't damn what i'm writing because you're blinded by your own fearful notion of perception.

----
ruari: thanks for a kick-ass party, and always your (good) worry maggie: thanks for a song, a trip, and a hand to hold lexi: thanks for a sunrise scott: what do i say? thank you

come back and sing to me

please, please, please

star light star bright

keep me company

wish (you) were here

you'll always be my constantine

constantine

it's another day. and i'm so tired i can't feel myself breathe. and you know that i'm hurting. "yesterday's news" but how do we make it stop? i say we because, as i told you before, i can't do this alone. so in honesty, i need you. so if i ask you, just hold me. don't be afraid if i cry. sometimes it's what i need. i wish i could come tonight. but believe in me saying that you've been so good to me. and i don't know if i deserve it. there is beauty in my heart for you. so please think of me, remember me. am i your angel? you said it, it makes me want to be. and thank you for taking care of me. i need you here to hold me. and thank you for being honest with me. help me let go. just love me. unequivocally.

the father daughter dance

until recently the only man i could ever trust was my father. he was always there for me. so why is it, daddy, that i've heard you say "i love you" once in the month that i've been home? once. growing up you were my superman. and growing up you said "i love you" every day. every time we spoke, every phone call, every time you saw me. and i'm leaving today. you can't give up a golf game to spend one hour with your daughter who is leaving? i know you'll never turn me away, but i shouldn't have to bargain for your time. how easily you dismiss me. i said i love you twice today and i just wanted to see my daddy before i had to leave. i've been asking for days, but there is always something in your way to me. not obligations, not work related, your personal recreational things. it's hard enough knowing that my sister's your favorite. you'd rush the two hours to see her if she said she needed you. i've called you in the middle of the night with worries and dreams of coming home. if i didn't need you then, i never will. where were you? and you can't buy me away. stop paying for your time and actually come see me. i don't need your money, i need my father. i don't want your gifts, i want your time. you're the only one i've got, daddy. you know, i need you too...

under the needle

and we've tip toed around this for days because you don't want to think about it. you don't want to talk about it. you don't want to see it in your head. me. you don't want to know: did it bleed? does it hurt? will there be a scar? will you remember me? what about next time? and maybe, just maybe, i'd like to. i'd like to talk about it. i'd like to talk about how you'll never hold my hand without looking down to see it. how i'll never be the same as i was before it. like i'll never be the same as i was before any of it. but who are you to tell me that i'm not better? yes it was wrong, no i didn't want to, but just because i'm different now doesn't mean i'm worse than i was to start with. will you understand that even though i've done this thing, i can still be beautiful? my arms are tainted. do you think i'll ever look at myself the same? it's not your wrist that was bleeding. but you're pretending to make it go away. settle, rest now, it'll all be okay in the morning. the wind was blowing and the twilight fell purple and shades of blue, darkening around my world. it was beautiful. i'm going home tomorrow.

to lexi and my childhood

swingsets and nightfall. feeling cold but alive and loving the pain in my shoulders. she's amazing. reliving moments of blazing glory and the cliche happiness of the best lifetimes in childhood ever spent. the woods. she loves me. and this scaring on my body will sing testaments to her soul. believe in beauty: it's real, i've seen it, and i'm living it now.

"i only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me" and text messages make my day

half the stuff i write down here isn't worth the reading...


moment to think of my life. i'm aware of the fact that i can be a bad person. but that's not all of who i am. i think i'm just too hungry. i was told once by someone i love, that i have a painful desire and want for life. i feel great need to learn and experience, but that movement involves pain. but the thirst overwhelms me. and for too long in my life i've been stuck in a place where i think i need to learn about pain. that's why i let people hurt me the way they do. but i'm restless by nature, so don't think there's something wrong when i can't sleep or i'm not hungry. and i freely admit you amaze me, but i wonder, did you take the time to see me? to look at me? i think i could be amazing too. and i don't try to make it any easier to be infatuated with me, i don't think i'm intimidating, but i do think i have the world to offer. i want to be on your mind today, so think about me. i just want today. i think it's specail. and they all ask questions that they don't really want to know the answer to. they politely say and speak and do what it is they are obligated to. because i try so hard to impress them. it's funny, they care more when i do something bad than when i do something good. they spend more time with me, they talk. why wouldn't i then conclude that bad things gain me their love? but it is time now, to not worry about the good and the bad and what they will think, i just wish they'd show me that they'd love me anyway. i'll be getting by. it's a beautiful day and i feel unequivical. i even feel a little happy. but i miss waking up to text messages in the morning.

p.s. sometimes i'm afraid you don't really want me

communicate with me

i want to call you by name. so you want me to be able to be happy. you want me to get out of this place. do you want to hold my hand? i think you'll keep me safe. you're still in my head. and i'm here, missing you. i'm planning my time away. and i think you like the way i can be. shy, open, dirty. talk to me about what you saw in me. i want you beside me. and you're right, it's time for me to do something for me. i think i might. and i'm singing to you, calling to you, and asking you to answer me. i think you're beautiful, but i know you're pretty. do you love me?


-----

i like the new tattoo :)

i believe it's getting better

"and all the ghosts they've come to know will dissipate beneath the dome of falling snow"

sorry for stealing your song, it touched me...

and i believe it. the milk is bad, the batteries are leaking, and the wound won't heal, but it's all getting better. it's all getting better. the realization that i have so much more to be here for. my friends, my loved ones. the one who shelters me (at his expense), the ones who share the tiny details of life that make it worth the day-to-day. the one who calls me "love"- special memory to this one who let me stay: the morning you woke up and said you'd think of me all day, i miss you so much... thank you for taking care of me (even if no one else will). i'm thinking of you. i'm thinking of all of you. i miss each of you, i'll be home soon. i love you all. and to the ones who touch my heart..... you're becoming my reason.

"remember me, she said smiling. write my name somewhere safe"

maggie, scott, ruari, andrew - believe that i love you. here's hoping you miss me as much as i miss you.

a long december

a long december and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last

i hope you kissed your sweetheart at midnight. i didn't. but i did see him this morning. oh, and pretty boy (i miss you tonight). even with unbearable depression sinking into my lonely state, i managed to find small town fun tonight. i even danced... to country music...... sober. i hope this year will be looking up, i can't take another one like last year. so happy 2006 everybody from me to you, and here's wishing you love, happiness, and peace (i know that's what i want most). i know this year will be better, and i feel happier already. much love to all of you, you mean the world to me.